


Dear Connor Murphy

by GalacticTwink



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Anarchy, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Autistic Evan Hansen, Bad Relationship with Parents, Bonding over suicide, Boys Kissing, Consensual Sex, Depression, Developing Relationship, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Evan is a nerd, Evan is a sweetie, Existentialism, Explicit Sexual Content, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Language of Flowers, M/M, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-blaming, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tags Contain Spoilers, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trans Character, Trees, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, Victim blaming by victim, evan is a bisexual icon, hints at a little past jared/evan, i know i spell his name wrong sometimes okay, jared and evan are friends, jared is kind of a dick, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-04-21 13:19:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14285781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalacticTwink/pseuds/GalacticTwink
Summary: “I won’t hurt you, I promise.”Evan is alone. He is silent and sensitive and can't even take a breath without assuming he fucked it up. Connor Murphy is violent, angry, and most people would swear to him being insane. The two are as different as you can get, but could they be exactly what the other needs? Someone who knows what it's like to scream but still no one can hear you. Connor reaches out and Evan takes his hand, but sometimes you just have to let go. Is there really someone out there that's made for you, or is it just another lie that helps you sleep at night? [Complete]





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so. First chapter. I wrote this mid-February and it's pretty dialogue heavy but I think it still serves its purpose. This fic is currently 3/4 complete and getting closer every day so sit back and enjoy!

    “ _D_ _ear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, Your most best, and dearest friend, Me_.” Evan reads aloud from the computer, finishing the last of the typing and hitting print on the letter. This is stupid, it’s not helping him do anything but feel even worse about himself. He can’t even motivate himself right. He’s too right, if he just fell off the face of the Earth today no one would miss him tomorrow. He looks down at the cast around his arm. But he already tried that, didn’t he? Evan logs off of the computer and gets up, tripping over the chair and struggling to pull up his backpack with his left hand. Maybe a building would’ve been better, taller at least. The printer has been done for forever, he should really get over there before-

    “So-” Evan jumps, dropping his cell phone and flinging his good arm up in front of his face on instinct. “-how did you break your arm?” he kept going, still just standing there as Even puts down his defenses to look at him. Connor Murphy. Didn’t he shove him this morning?

    “Oh, uh, I-I fell out of a tree. Actually.” Connor half kneels down and picks up Evan’s cell phone, holding it out in his direction.

    “You fell out of a tree? Well isn’t that the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” he snorts, shoving the phone at the blonde’s chest when he doesn’t take it.

    “Y-yeah..”

    “Can I?”

    “What?” he blinks, suddenly lost in the conversation he didn’t even want to have.

    “Sign your cast. No one signed it.” Connor gestures to the blank white cast with the paper in his hand.

    “I’ll sign it. Do you- have a sharpie?” is.. He high? He kind of sounds like he’s high. Or just overmedicated. Is that the same thing? Evan digs his sharpie out of his pocket and holds it out, hissing when his broken arm is immediately grabbed and jerked forward.

    “Sorry.” is he though? Connor writes his name across the entire front of the cast and hands back the marker. That’s fine.

    “Wow, thanks.” that should’ve been more enthusiastic, he said it wrong. He says everything wrong, Evan should just stop talking to people; it wouldn’t be much of a difference.

    “Now we can both pretend that we have friends.” what’s that even supposed to mean? Evan doesn’t know this kid, how can he possibly know that he doesn’t have friends? Is it that obvious? Of course it’s that obvious. Losers don’t have friends. He mumbles something under his breath and tries to walk away, looking down at his feet.

    “Hey, it’s Evan isn’t it? Evan Hansen? Uh- this is yours, right? ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.” of course- why can't anyone mind their own business and just stay out of his?

    “Yeah that's-"

    “I, uh, I read it. It was just sitting on the printer so.” he makes a gesture, moving the paper around so Evan couldn't grab it, “so I just picked it up and-" Connor reaches out and grabs Evan's good arm tightly. Jesus Christ, he’s so dead. ‘And then there’s Zoe, all my hopes are pinned on Zoe’ what was he doing, writing shit like that? Her big brother is going to kill him.

    “Are you okay?”

    “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean- wait, what?” is he okay? No. Evan chokes out an ‘i’m fine’ and makes the much taller boy frown down at him and hold onto him a little tighter. It’s been weeks since Evan has been this close to another person.

    “Listen you kind of look like a loser and you don’t have any friends, and you get bullied a lot,” ouch, “but that doesn’t mean you don’t exist or something. It’s like- the stupid fucking riddle. If a tree falls in the forest when no one is around, does it still make a sound? Of course it fucking does.” did he.. He doesn’t look like he did that on purpose. Huh. Evan’s chest feels a little tight, and not just because of his crippling fear of tall people. It feels funny to hear someone else use ‘his metaphor’ even if it isn’t actually his.

    “No, no, I’m okay. I just uh- don’t? Like myself?” the picture of being okay.

    “I wouldn't like myself if I was you either.” oh. “But I don’t like myself either anyway.” what’s going on. Everything Evan hears about Connor Murphy is edgy and wild, but he’s pretty sure the guy just tried to tell him not to kill himself. He does look like he’s high, but weed only goes so far and this is pretty out there even factoring in drugs. They’re just standing in silence now but Evan doesn’t know what to say and Connor is still just holding onto him like he’s going to go run off and kill himself this second. He would at least have to go to therapy first.

    “Can you let go of me?” he’s attention starved, but also never wants to be touched ever again. Connor takes half a step back and drops his arm. That makes it just a little easier to breathe, but that doesn’t help Evan come up with something to say. His phone chimes softly, flashing once to show him he has a notification.

    “Oh- my mom is here to get me. I need to..” he makes a vague gesture to tell Connor that he has to go and starts to scurry off, barely getting two steps away before being grabbed again and stopped.

    “Wait, here, before you go.” The brunette whips out a pencil and snatches up Evan’s letter, scrawling a string of numbers across the bottom and thrusting it back at him.

    “Text me.” that sounds like a demand. Evan grabs his cell and does it right that second, completely intimidated by someone that’s that taller than him. His mom texts him again, reminding him that they’re going to be late for his appointment if he doesn’t hurry.

    “I really have to go.” he flees, speeding down the hall and practically throwing himself into his mother’s car. He stares down at his new phone contact, still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He didn’t make a friend, maybe just an acquaintance? Maybe it shouldn’t matter to him, as long as Connor doesn’t end up killing him or something. Okay, he wasn’t _that_ bad. Slightly almost half pleasant, actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1167


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the spelling mistakes in Connor's texts are supposed to be there
> 
> Also don't @ me about any of the medical shit, I'm experienced w this stuff specifically

Do you believe in god evan?

Evan has known Connor Murphy for two days and has learned a few things about him: he never sleeps, no matter what time Evan goes to bed there will always be texts waiting for him in the morning about how early he goes to bed, and Connor always gets back to him within seconds in the morning. He doesn’t have a filter, Evan has gone through rigorous questioning from his sexual orientation to how he feels about pineapple on pizza. He needs to know everything. He asks Evan what he’s doing constantly no matter how boring his last answer was. And, Connor sees way too much. He saw right through Evan off the bat and never stopped. It’s wild, but weirdly enough makes it easier for him to talk to Connor; since he doesn’t have anything to hide. 

Connor it’s four in the morning

just answer the question

Evan thinks about it. He’s never really put a ton of thought into stuff like that, and his mom never imposed any of that on him.

I don’t think I do

It’s a minute before he gets anything back, and Evan is worried that he’d given the wrong answer. What if Connor is really religious and he didn’t know?

isnt that a yes or no question? you  either have something to blame for everything being shitty or you blame yourself. you either have something to curse when things go wrong or look arpund for someone else to blame. you either care about here and now and the people around you, or pray to your god that evwrything will be oksy when youre dead.

What- Evan doesn’t know what to say. What would Connor want to hear? He’s not sure there’s any right way to respond to that.

Well, I think that in the grand scheme of things nothing we do really matters all that much. I might be a fuckup, but I’m the only one that’s ever going to remember that I screwed up. And, if I ever did something super awesome people would remember that, because it impacted more than just me. The universe is so vast, every little mistake that you make doesn’t mean as much as you think it does. The best thing that we can all do is go on, and hope that one day we’ll do something that will matter to someone else. Anyone else. Everyone is wandering through life blind, there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to find someone.

A minute passes. Then another. Did he say something wrong? Maybe Connor is high and he’s having a crisis because that answer was too existential for him to handle. Fuck. He should’ve said something stupid, or made his reply just as angry at the world as Connor’s. He shouldn’t have used so much punctuation in his text, that’s weird. Who sends messages that are that long anyway?

you can drive cant you

Nothing he says matters. 

My arm is broken

not what i asked

He’s so frustrating sometimes. Well, most of the time. Okay, pretty much all the time. But Evan can’t talk to anyone right so it could be his fault.

Yeah, I can.

Evan is the proud owner of a bright red Honda Civic with one black door and one white door, and duct tape holding one of the rear view mirrors in place. He drives it any and everywhere he wants to, including Starbucks at one in the morning damn it. He’s a high school student with homework to do.

come pick me up

He looks at the clock, 4:30 AM flashing back at him. Why is he still awake? Why would he leave the house now to get his sorta kinda almost friend? But, the most important question is: does he have anything better to do?

I’ll be there in ten minutes.

* * *

Hey, I’m here.

Evan pulls up in the Murphy’s driveway at five on the dot, texting Connor with Siri as he gets in. Even though he told him to dive all the way out here, he takes his sweet time getting back to Evan. So much that he starts to think he got the wrong house. 

come inside im gonna neeed a hand

God, what did he sign up for? He climbs out of the car and goes around the house to find Connor’s window, praying to anything that might hear that none of the neighbors are awake to see him creeping around. The window is cracked slightly and Evan gives it a few good pushes to get it up enough for him to wiggle through; tumbling onto the carpet and getting himself wrapped up in the star patterned curtains. 

    “Took you fucking long enough.” and Connor sounds like he’s high. Why isn’t he surprised?

    “Hey, you-you could’ve helped me you… know.” Evan gets himself upright and actually lays eyes on the guy, voice drifting off. Connor Murphy is sitting on his bedroom floor, shirtless, with red smeared across his face and chest, dripping slightly from both his wrists but mostly dried onto the skin; barely veiling the shallow gashes cut into his arms with the barrier of caked blood. He has a black blanket pulled half down off his bed to cover his thighs that looks wet and soaked through. His sort of friend is still clutching his cell phone in one hand, a still wet knife discarded just to the side among little orange bottles. 

    “Connor are you-”

    “If you ask me if I’m okay I’ll fucking kill you.” Evan clears his throat. Yeah, he’s not looking great.

    “What do you want- What do you want me to do?” he looks around, not sure what he should let his eyes settle on and deciding that straight down at his feet was the best choice. He tracked dirt into Connor's room.

    “Don't pretend to be so clueless about it, you have them too. Come over here and help a guy out, would you?” 

    “Should I call poison control?” he laughs at Evan, cutting off into a cough that sounds dangerously close to throwing up. 

    “I've still got a minute, I know my OD’s. Hurry the fuck up, you're taking me to the ER.” he looks around, stepping around anything that looks important and peeking out of the bedroom door into the hall. It's a school day but it doesn't look like anyone is up and about yet. Evan pops into the bathroom and finds some gauze; getting the darkest washcloth he could find ready and making sure it does my drip on the way back across the hall. 

    “You're wasting your time with this shit? Just drag me out to your car.”

    “No, I don't want you to, to, to-" he puts down what he's holding to make a gesture, figuring Connor gets him. 

    “I'm not gonna bleed out.”

    “No, I don't want you to bleed on my front seat.” Evan’s sort of friend looks at him for a minute, but before he can start apologising something he didn't expect happened. Connor Murphy let out a genuine laugh.

    “Whatever,  just make it fast before I die or someone wakes up. Which, if I counted right, should happen at the same time.” Jesus Christ. Evan gets himself onto the ground and swipes the washcloth across Connor’s arm; clumsily wrapping him up with the pet gauze he found and repeating with his left arm, then both his legs.

    “Okay, up we go.” he tugs as hard as he can on the other boy’s arm to help him up, almost falling over when Connor’s entire weight falls onto him. 

    “Christ, I thought you were skinny.” he breathes, trying to push the much taller boy up a little. But.. 

    “You, you can walk by yourself. I saw what you took and that shouldn't leave you this immobile until you're almost dead. And if you were still texting my coherently when I got here that means you can use your fingers; esp-especially with how tight you're holding onto your phone.” the weight on him eases immediately, and Connor just looks at him. 

    “You know your shit, Hansen. I'll go on out, you pick up.” he's so calm, Evan doesn't get it. He's OD’ed before, and it was.. well, at first it was fine. It's not like in the movies where you just fall over dead; it can take a shit ton of time and it's painful. He picks up the orange bottles and the knife, shoving both in his jacket pocket just in case.. Of something. 

    “Deep breath.” he reminds himself, turning the handle and stepping out into the hall. Right into another person.

    “Aah, I'm sorry- I'm so sorry..” god. Not only did he run into someone, he ran into Connor's sister. Bleary eyed, half dressed, Zoe Murphy. 

    “What are you doing in our house?” 

    “I'm sorry,  I'm sorry, I was just-" he gestures back at Connor's door, widening Zoe’s eyes just slightly. 

    “Oh, no- I didn't- we weren't-" 

    “Mom!” Zoe turns away to yell down the hallway, “Mom, Connor brought someone home on a school night!” 

    “I have to go now.” Evan dashes past Zoe and out the door, jumping into his car and pulling out of the driveway much too quickly. 

    “Where's the nearest hospital?” Connor looks at him. 

    “What? I don't have a spare hand to type. If you don't know, we're going all the way across town.” the brunette doesn't say anything, being angsty and looking out the window. Great, now he'll know how his mom felt taking him to the hospital like this so many times. They sit in silence. 

    “So.” Connor sighs before he even finishes, “why did you.. yknow.” 

    “What? Kill myself? You would know.” It's a fair point, but not what Evan was looking for. 

    “Hey, you aren't dead. No. Why did you call me over?” the other boy looks up for a moment. “I changed my mind.” he holds in a sigh of exasperation. Is this how his therapist feels? 

    “That's great, but why me and not a hotline, or the hospital? I'm not doing a whole lot of good.” Connor looks back out at the window, not saying anything to Evan. He can't say he's surprised, they don't know each other at all; Connor doesn't owe him any explanations. They ride to the hospital in silence. 

    “You changed my mind.” Evan had already pulled up at the emergency entrance when Connor spoke up, voice a little strained and very careful to make his words clear. He didn't get a chance to ask him what that meant, swept up in hospital staff and trying to stumble over enough words to tell them anything. The last thing he got to hear from Connor was him listing off the medications he'd taken and next of kin; the latter of which included only one name. His own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1816


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a great day and here's why: Connor is okay. Today, my sort of-almost friend tried to kill himself but asked me to help him instead. For some reason. I don’t understand, but I’m happy anyway I think. I called the school and I’ve been at the hospital all day. I can’t see him until he’s awake, but he asked the nurses not to let in anyone but me._

_What am I going to say to his family? What am I going to say to Connor? I don’t-_

    “Evan Hansen?” he looks up, the doctor he saw earlier searching the room for him. Okay. Deep breath. Evan flips his notebook closed and makes his way over, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

    “Connor is awake now, if you’d like to go in and see him.” awesome. He moves to walk past the doctor but is stopped, flinching as the man puts a hand on his shoulder to hold him up.

    “Don’t touch me.” he snaps without meaning to, going right in to apologise but paused by a hand asking him to just shut up. Right.

    “Before you go in Evan, can you help me get a little more information about Connor? He isn’t cooperating with my staff but we’re just trying to help him.”

    "Uh- Sure.” the taller man smiles, motioning him on and leading Evan back into another room that he expects to be his office. They walk into a regular hospital room, a pissy looking Connor sitting up in the bed and picking at the bandaging around his right arm. God, Evan thought the guy was just going to ask him questions, he doesn’t want to be backup.

    “I see you’re awake now Connor, how are you feeling?” he doesn’t say anything, but his eyes do find Evan’s; flashing him a wink.

    “I brought Evan in for you, my nurses tell me that you were asking for him.” the doctor pauses, looking between the boys and trying to make a connection. “Is he your brother?” even Evan can’t justify that one. He and Connor look nothing like each other. The brunette tells him as much, a curl to his voice.

    “Boyfriend, then.” Connor thinks about that one.

    “Yeah.” he could’ve- wait, did he say yes to that? Deep breath. What the fuck? He couldn’t just tell the guy they were friends? Why-

    “Well,” the doctor clears his throat, “I’ll leave you two be.” didn’t he… Evan takes a breath but is shushed, so they wait in silence. After a moment, Connor snorts.

    “Gotta know how to get them to leave you the fuck alone, Hansen. Nine out of ten doctors are homophobes.” that is not a real statistic. The guy did get the fuck out pretty fast though.

    “Connor, didn’t you-” “Oh, shut it. They know who I am. They had plenty of time to print me while I was out. My parents will be in after enough phone calls. Mom, probably. Can’t let her in though.” he reaches across to his bedside table and checks out the glass of water, taking a test sip before downing the glass. He gives Evan a side eye, like he’s waiting for something.

    “Are those for me, or..” what? Oh, right. He sets down his backpack and pulls the sort of crushed bouquet of yellow roses he’d picked up earlier, first extending them towards Connor and then finding an empty vase sat out near the window. He gets some water in there and unwraps the roses, parting the curtains and setting the flowers in the sunlight.

    “There. Oh! And, and, When I left to get my stuff,” he points at his bag and starts to dig through it, “I-I saw that in your, in your room you had a few nightlights so- so I thought ‘hey, may-maybe he’s afraid of the dark!’ so- this is stupid- so I brought one of mine?” he digs it out of his bag, but Connor looks lost and just stares at the orb in his hand.

    “Okay. What the fuck did you just say?” damn it, he has to stop talking so fast. Deep breath. Deep breath. Evan’s heart is racing, even though he doesn’t feel overly nervous.

    “Here-” he trips over to flick off the lights, jerking the curtains closed again and plugging his nightlight into the wall. A beam shoots out of the orb, projecting a circle of stars onto the ceiling above Connor’s head. He doesn’t say anything, head tilted back to see the scape of white stars and dots over him.

    “I-I’m sorry, here I can-” “No, leave it. Do you just plug it in at night or..” Evan’s eyes light up and he lunges to get all the lights back on, showing Connor how the projection had turned off when the room was bright.

    “It only turns on when the room is dark. To save power.” he nods, grinning at Evan. The magic of the moment is broken with a knock on the door, a nurse poking her head in and making sure it’s okay to come in. Even though she already did.

    “Visitors for you, Mr. Murphy.”

    “No thanks. I have the only person I approved to visit in here already.” the nurse blinks. Guess she didn’t get the memo.

    “Well- it’s your parents. Don’t you want to-” “Oh, fuck no. Evan is the only one that can come into my room.” she pauses, trying to come up with something else but just stepping back out and closing the door. Connor _is_ 18, isn’t he? Maybe Evan should go out and talk to them?

    “Do you want me to-?” the brunette squints at him. He wouldn’t trust himself to talk to people either.

    “Sure.” he shrugs, picking up his cup again and looking into it. “Bring me back a drink too. Not water.” okay, cool. Deep breath. Turn the knob and open the door. Once again Evan is greeted by Zoe, but this time from a little further away.

    “-cannot let you go in. Oh, here he is, Evan, come here.” a different nurse than before waves him over to the little group, stepping to the side and letting Connor’s family look him over.

    “Hey, I saw you this morning. What the fuck did you to do my brother?” all the things Evan pre-prepared to say to them are gone.

    “Uh-” he flinches, smacking so at the arm connected to the hand that touched him before he's done turning to see who it was; greeted by a startled looking nurse. He Must be been shaking. But that doesn't mean it's cool for her to just touch him like that.

    “Con-Connor is fine. And, and I didn't do anything to him!” honestly. Why would he be here if he did something to Connor? Maybe he should try to clarify? But isn't that what nurses are for?

    “I, uh, I have to go.” Evan turns around and hurries down the hall, head ducked down all the way to the bad coffee machine. He walks precariously back to Connor’s room, ignoring the rest of his surroundings just to make sure he doesn't spill anything with his shaking hands.

    “So?” he squints at the cup of hot water, watching Evan dig through his bag for a small metal case.

    “Please tell me that's weed.” He pops open the case and unhooks a small scoop from the lid, spooning out dark leaves precisely and dumping them carefully into a bag.

    “All I have on me is green tea I hope that’s alright.”

    “What, you don’t have any sugar?” Evan blinks.

    “Oh, I can’t eat sugar. Mom says I’m hyper enough already.” he’s completely genuine, smiling to himself while he makes Connor’s cup of tea.

    “Here. Green tea is really calming.” he takes the cup from Evan’s shaking hands and blows across the brim. Hm. They probably gave him that charcoal stuff, was he supposed to give Connor not water so soon after that? Too late now, it’s not like he can snatch it out of the guy’s hands. He goes to say something, but nothing comes to mind so he just shuts up and sinks down in the chair beside Connor’s bed. He could probably use the peace and quiet for a while.

Where the fuck are you? I told my mom I would talk to you today

Evan's phone chimes, drawing a heavy sigh from him. Ah, Jared, his only friend that isn't actually his friend but wouldn't have a car if he wasn't nice to Evan.

At the hospital. 

Hopefully that's enough for Jared to leave him alone for a while. He doesn't really care about Evan, so he won't want to ask about what happened to him.

yo, arent you with connor murphy 

He groans out loud. Of course, he's a student so they probably announced that he might die this morning when he wasn't doing too hot. He can never go back to school. But why can't he? Because everyone will know he hangs around with the scariest kid at the high school? That he's kinda almost friends with their edgiest stoner? Yes, that's exactly why. And- Zoe is going to tell everyone that he and Connor are ‘boyfriends’ which he still doesn't think was cool no matter what.

    “You okay over there Hansen? Kinda looks like you're gonna kill someone.” Evan makes a note to keep his murderous urges to himself. He shrugs, sinking down further into the uncomfortable chair and making it squeak. He gives his phone a gentle toss onto the table, holding his knees with both arms and resting his chin on his knees.

    “You- you’re so calm.” Connor looks up from his tea, arching an eyebrow at the blonde boy like that was the most obvious thing in the world.

    “Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve been here before.” “Y-y-you almost died!” Connor shrugs, “Not my first time.” jeez. Evan would judge him for being so casual about dying, but he’s been here too. More than once.

    “I-I mean me too, but by, by the time I got here..” by the time he got here his mom had freaked him out enough to make him panic.

    “Oh, hey, hold hold still.” Evan gets up, leaning over Connor and reaching out towards him with shaking fingers to pull a patch of dried blood out of his hair. The other boy gives him a look.

    “Was, was that weird? Did i do something weird? I'm sorry-”

    “Evan?” ” they both look up, Evan’s fingers still twined in the other boy’s brown hair, his mother bursting in through the door still in her nurse uniform. She pauses, taking in the situation before she says anything.

    “Hey-hey Mom.” he snatches his hand back, clapping his palms together and fidgeting. She steps into the room and touches his face, making him flinch but not squirm away.

    “Oh, Evan, what are you doing here? Mrs. Kleinman called and told me that Jared said you were here.” she touches his hair and Evan makes a face, twisting away from his mother and taking a step back for some sweet, sweet personal space.

    “This is your boyfriend?” and she already talked to someone about it.

    “U-uh, ye-yea-yeah. This is Connor my, my, boy-boyfriend.” he swallows. At least he always talks like that so no one can tell if he’s lying. His mom looks Connor up and down and then back at Evan.

    “Well, Connor, I'm Heidi- Evan's mom.” she extends a hand awkwardly before pulling it back again, eyeing the bandages wrapped around his forearms. Connor just stares back at her.

    “Well, sweetheart, I have to get back to work but I'm glad you're okay! I thought..” she pulls him in for a stiff hug, squeezing his unmoving frame until he starts to squirm.

    “Ow- mom, my arm.” she jumps back, patting her son's shoulder and apologising to him. She waves before scampering out the door, letting it close heavily behind her. Evan rocks back and forth on his heels, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

    “Does she always do that?”

    “Uh, do, do what?” he gestures at all of Evan, plucking his styrofoam cup off his table again and taking a sip from it. Man, that has to be really strong by now. And cold. Connor drinks it with a straight fact.

    “How long are you going to hang around here? You can go.” oh. He shouldn’t expect him to want him to stick around though, they aren’t actually close at all. Well, he had to fill out that contact info sheet first because Connor listed him down as his contact and eventually his ride home. Evan jots down his information and adds that to his clipboard, grabbing all his stuff and struggling to pull his windbreaker on over his cast.

    “I’ll probably be in psych by the time you get back. If you come back. You don’t have to come back til they call you to come get me.” he tips his cup at Evan when he leaves, clicking the door carefully behind him so it doesn’t make any noise. School is already over, who the fuck is he going to get the homework from?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2213


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating early this week because I'm busy this weekend!

    “I’m here for- no, I’m here to s-see, damn it.” Evan sighs harshly, parking his car and taking a deep breath. 

    "Okay. Hi! I’m Evan Hansen, I’m, I’m here to see Connor Murphy. Hi! Can, can you tell me what room Connor Murphy is in? Hi! Can you tell me where the ps-ps-psy, psyche ward is?” god, he isn’t going to make it to the front desk. It’s fine, it’s okay. He just needs to talk to one person. No, that’s not okay. This is why it’s been days since he was here last. He didn’t know what to say to get in, but now it’s been three days and Evan feels bad about not going back to see him at all. 

    “Can you tell me what room Con-Connor Murphy is in?” jesus, he’s a mess. Evan gets out of the car with his fresh bunch of flowers, fluffing the daffodils out absently while he walks through the parking lot. Someone opens the door for him, the bouquet of flowers quivering in his hands as he walks in through the metal detector to the front desk. He swallows.

    “Oh, Evan, how are you sweetheart?” the receptionist, whom he’s never seen before in his life, smiles at him brightly. “Are you looking for your little boyfriend? They moved him over to straights just the other day, let me take down his number for you.” she scribbles down the number and hands it to him on a piece of hospital stationary and gives him one of the visitor stickers with his name written on it. He can’t read cursive but he’ll figure it out. Evan wanders through the hall, peeking into open doors until he finds one with Connor’s clipboard outside. 

    “Hey-" he stops in the doorway, blinking at the mostly empty room. His night light is plugged into the wall, casting its projection onto the ceiling over the sleeping form of Evan’s… acquaintance. He looks so soft when he’s asleep, hair splayed out around his face and the frown lines smoothed out. Evan is careful to close the door quietly and creep across the room so he doesn’t wake Connor, unwrapping his flowers and adding them into the vase. A few of the yellow roses he brought the other day are still there, now joined by some baby’s breath and a few daisies. Maybe he finally let his family in here to see him. He arranges the flowers so they don’t overshadow or cover up each other, with the remaining roses in the middle with the daffodils and the blue baby’s breath peeking out between the yellows; the smaller daisies on the outside to make sure they get sunlight too. There’s a few get well cards stood up next to the vase, Evan picks one up and flips it open to read the inside. Zoe. And one both his parents signed. And, oh jeez. A card he knows is from the hospital gift shop from Evan’s mother. She’s trying to be supportive and he needs to appreciate that. He digs through his bag and finds the two he brought, one from himself and another that he passed around at school for some of their classmates to sign; but it was hard since Evan isn’t in any of Connor’s classes or anything. And because he had to do it twice after Jared wrote something about Evan’s dick in the first one. What a guy. Connor is all wrapped up in a galaxy patterned blanket, chest rising and falling evenly. He’s kind of pretty. Evan steps closer, trying to steady his hand to reach in and touch the other boy’s face; pushing a lock of hair off his cheek and letting his fingertips just barely brush against his surprisingly soft skin. Neat. He sinks down into his uncomfortable chair, unzipping his backpack ever so slowly to make the least noise possible and getting his notebook. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Today is going to be a great day. I don’t really have a reason and I don’t really think it will be. I just wish that I could really do something. I’m sitting here and I wish that anything I did, anything I thought, anything I said could actually be important. I speak and no one listens. I act but no one sees. I wish that someone could look at me and actually see me. I want to do something that matters. I want to matter. To other people. To myself. To the whole grand scheme of things. I hate myself, but what does that matter when I barely exist anyway? I wish I didn’t exist. I wish I could just fall off the edge of the Earth and disappear. I wish someone would tell me that I shouldn’t. _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Me _

Evan sighs, frowning down at his spiral as he writes. It’s not a sex letter. It’s probably closer to a suicide note, and he’s written plenty of those. God, why does he do this to himself? He’s better off bottling this up so it can’t get to him. Don’t let it get to him. Don’t cry like a sissy, Evan. Everyone already knows you’re a fucking fairy now, don’t give them more incentive. Connor almost died, don’t sit here in his hospital room and cry for no damn good reason. 

    “Hey, Hansen, when’d you get here?” Connor’s voice is scratchy and slurred from sleep, arms pinwheeling up over himself and stretching out with a yawn. Evan swipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. 

    “Hey, hey, C-Connor, I’m sorry I-I-I-I didn’t mean to, mean to wake you up.” he swallows, skimming his fingers through his hair and giving his blonde locks a tug to help keep him there. He takes a deep breath. It’s so hard to breathe. He tries again, hands starting to shake as he starts to panic. He can’t breathe, god why can’t he breathe? He.. he needs to breathe, it feels like he’s suffocating but all that’s around him is open air. Tears blur over his vision, making him fuzzy and dizzy and feel like he’s falling down. Something that he can’t see touches him and he pushes, curling in on himself and trying to be small so nothing can touch him. Don’t touch him. God, when did it get so loud? It’s so fucking loud, why can’t everything just shut up and leave him alone? He’s touched again and this time tilts himself down off his perch in a desperate attempt to get away, already broken arm hitting the hard floor. 

    “-o, no, don’t touch him; just leave him be.” Evan gasps in a full deep breath, coughing it out and letting a sob rock through his body. He’s laying on the floor, knees curled up to his chest and pain pricking up through his already butchered arm. 

    “Evan? Sweetheart can you hear me, are you okay?” did someone really call his mom? He curls up a little tighter, hitting his shoulder up against something. It was so much easier to hide when he was a kid. Evan needs to get up so mom can go back to work but he just wants one more minute to be selfish and wish he was dead.

    “That’s it, come on, up we go.” his mother touches his shoulder as he stands up, jerking away from her grasp to stand by himself. She lets him breathe, looking at him with worry on her face. 

    “I don’t know what happened, he just-” Connor is up and out of bed, Evan’s still open notebook in his hands. 

    “That’s alright, I’m sure you didn’t do anything. We must just be feeling a little agitated today. Do you have any of your  Klonopin on you, honey?” he nods choppily, still just focusing on breathing right now. 

    “Well alright, do you need-” “No, N-no, you can go now-now, mom.” she smiles at him, patting his arm and then Connor’s before doing what he asked and leaving them be. The brunette just looks at him. 

    “I’m sorry. I’m, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out, I don’t know what happened, god I’m so sorry.” he needs to stop before he starts going at it again. Connor sets down his spiral on the edge of the bed and fidgets, looking back and forth between Evan and the floor like he’s looking for something to say.

    “I can just go-” he takes a step and a half forward before he’s halted midstep, arms wrapped around him and crashing his face against Connor’s chest. He holds Evan tightly against himself for a few moments before shoving him away to an arms length. 

    “That didn’t fucking happen.” he blinks. He isn’t quite sure what just happened anyway. Evan takes his spiral and snaps it shut, picking at the spine of it a little. Connor probably read it. Man, he’s pathetic. He finds his bottle of anxiety meds and shakes one out, knocking it back without a drink and tapping his lips with the back of his hand as he swallows it. He took all his shit this morning, he knows that he did. It’s just one of those days.

    “They’re gonna let me leave soon.” he speaks up, moving right on like that ordeal didn’t even happen. They’re really letting him off early, but he’s definitely been here before and he is an adult so they can’t keep him here for longer than the minimum if he wants to leave.

    “I think I’m going to drop out. No point going back to hell now. Not like I’m going anywhere in life. Fuck, I barely even have one.” Evan wishes that was him. His mom would be devastated if he dropped out, and she’s trying so hard with her school now he doesn’t have the heart to do that. Plus, he’s already in all the classes that he is, he doesn’t need to add no high school diploma to his list of problems. 

    “Weren’t you top of your class for a while?” Connor snorts. 

    “Yeah. Before I grew up and got over it. School is full of shit. The system is full of shit. They even try to tell you to fuck it all and be yourself, but that’s not good enough. It’s like a fucking conveyor belt line trying to press the same thing out of different materials. If you aren’t made of what they want you to be, you just get burned and thrown away.” huh. Evan never really thinks about things that way. What Connor said.. Is true. If you aren’t the ideal picture of what the world wants you to be, you just get shoved in a mold and expected to conform. And if you don’t then you aren’t worth the space you take up. Is Connor an Anarchist? Maybe he should leave this topic alone just in case. 

    “And-” Evan just wants to shut up, “and, if you do fit into their m-mold? You’re, you’re just another blank copy of the image everyone else is already in. A-a copy. You, you don’t really mean anything because when everyone is, everyone is the same we’re all rep-replaceable.” is Evan an Anarchist? He doesn’t think so. Connor’s eyes light up, but the spark dies just as quickly as it arrived. Whatever they have him on right now, he needs a prescription for. Sure Evan has never really interacted with the guy before last week, but he’s been hearing about how insane Connor Murphy is for years- even since elementary school. But here, right now, he seems just fine. 

    “Did you bring more flowers?” he waves over to the neatly organised vase, eyeing it like he’s trying to place what’s different about it. 

    “Oh, yeah I did. Sorry, I came in while you were asleep so, so I rearranged them a little.” Connor squints at him. 

    “Rearranged? There were only two in there, how messy could they have been?”

    “What do you mean? The-the ones  brought before were there, but all I got today were the daffodils. I-I thought your parents were here. Ther-there’s cards so-” “What?” Evan flinches at his harsh tone, getting up and tripping over to the window to pick up the four cards and bring them over for Connor to see. 

    “Goddamnit, I fucking hate them. Look at this shit, could they be any more lame? They might as well not even try.” he flips through the cards, looking more pissed the more he reads, especially on one in particular. 

    “Oh, Jesus Fucking Christ. Look at this: _ ‘Dear Connor, I’m sorry that you aren’t feeling good about yourself. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I wish there was a magic word I could use to just make everything okay. But there’s nothing you or I can do about it. Just remember that you’re worth it and-’ _ my fucking god,” Connor pauses his reading to roll his eyes, sighing heavily, “can it get any sappier? I wear they get this off Pinterest. _ ‘Just remember that you’re worth it and that everything is going to be okay in the end.’ _ I hate myself more the further I go. They wonder why I’ve tried to kill myself so many times, this shit is fucking ridiculous. Really, who says that? They might as well not even fucking try if this is the best they can do.” he ruffles up the card, holding it up again to finish reading it out loud for a very quiet Evan. “‘ _ Feel better soon, sincerely.. Evan Hansen’. _ ” he sighs, looking across at the boy who is actually holding up pretty well. Tears prick at his eyes, welling up and finally spilling down his face. God. Everything he does really is just fucking terrible, isn’t it?

    “I’m sorry.” Evan stands up, tripping over himself trying to grab all his things with blurred vision. 

    “I’m sorry.” he repeats, swiping the back of his hand across his face and backing away from Connor, grabbing three times for the door handle before he finds it- falling out into the hallway. He makes eye contact with the other boy for barely a second before the door swings closed between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2369


	5. Chapter 5

    “Come on Evan, aren't you excited?” his mom tugs on his arm, pulling him through the double doors of the hospital. It's been weeks since he's seen Connor. They gave him his cell phone last week and he's texted Evan, but past what the notification gives him as a preview, he hasn't read a single one. He should get over it already, he deserved it. The goddamned card was cheesy and lame and he should've known that it wouldn't mean anything to Connor. If Evan doesn't mean anything, why should he think anything he has to say matters?

    “You go and make sure Connor is ready, alright? I'll take care of all the writing before my shift starts.” right. Evan knows the way to his room by heart, retracing the steps he's taken almost every day for three weeks. The only one he never took was through the door. He takes a deep breath and turns the handle. Connor is sitting up on the side of the bed, fully dressed and in the middle of lacing up his boots. 

    “Hey.” He squeaks, making Connor jump mid knot and tangle up his laces. He looks at Evan, bottom lip worrying between his teeth as he chews at it. He looks like he’s all ready to go, a handle bag with the few things he has to take with him stuck in it, including Evan’s nightlight. The only thing personal left in the room are the flowers that haven’t died yet and a brand new never lit candle sitting next to them. Poor guy, you can’t light candles in a hospital. 

    “Here, don-don’t forget this. Do you want me to throw away the flowers?” all that’s left in the vase are two yellow roses and a daffodil. Huh, it’s weird that none of the baby’s breath or daisies made it but the roses he got at a gas station on that first day are still here.

    “No- I want them.” Evan was already picking up the vase to dump it out, faltering a little to hear that. They’ll still just die if he takes them home. 

    “Uh, okay.” he hands off the vase and lets Connor get them situated in his baag, wrapped up in a towel that he’s stealing, and grab his candle while he’s up. Well. They stand there in silence.

    “How’s, uh, your arm? Doing?” Evan looks down at his cast, Connor’s name still the only thing scrawled across it. 

    “Broken.” 

    “When, um, when is it coming out of the cast?”

    “Well, well, it’s al-already been six weeks. But, uh, I fell on it the, the other day so I’m-I’m not going to have them look at it for a little longer.” the brunette nods, letting the conversation drop and return to a tense silence. 

    “So, where do you want me to” “I’m sorry-” Neither of them get to finish, the door swinging open and Evan’s mother stepping in; Connor’s hand halfway to the blonde boy’s face, in the middle of reaching out to touch him. 

    “Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt boys. You’re all clear to go when you’re ready, Connor. Just sign out with the front desk. Evan, sweetheart, you’re welcome to take him on home- I bought those maple cookies the other night.”

    “Thanks mom.”

    “Oh- and make sure that you two use-” “Thanks mom.” he repeats, louder this time, making his mother laugh as she flees the room. Why did Connor have to say they’re boyfriend’s? Evan has been getting harassed at school even more than usual, and he didn’t think that was possible.

    “You gonna hold my hand while we walk out and make all the nurses swoon?” the brunette grins at him, a curl in his voice that offsets the teasing tone just enough to make Evan want to hit him. But instead of violence, he does the next best thing and slaps his hand into Connor’s.

    “That’s a great idea.” he smiles devilishly, tugging the other boy out of the room and down the hall with a vice grip on his hand. 

    “Jesus. Is that the hand you jerk with?” Evan coughs, walking a little faster and pulling Connor on along with him. He’s not in the mood for this, especially with him. He lets the much taller boy finish up the papers his mom started, signing himself out and taking Evan by the arm to lead him out the door this time. 

    “Alright, give me your keys.” if Connor ever mugged him, he would give the guy everything he had. Damn is he intimidating. 

    “Why-why?”

    “I’m taking you somewhere. To say thanks I guess, or sorry. Whichever one you want more. Just let me drive, can’t be the easiest with one arm anyway.” Evan gives him the key, going around to the passenger seat and making sure all his stuff is covered up and away if it needs to be; particularly his spiral, which he doesn’t need Connor in any more than he has been already. The other boy swings right in and starts the car, considering where they are before pulling out and making a very sharp turn. 

    “Please put on your-your seatbelt.” Connor scoffs at him, going just a little faster only to freak Evan out. 

    “Please put on your seatbelt.” he repeats, smoothing down the struggle in his voice to try and make himself sound more serious but more just sounding like a puppy. The brunette laughs at him. 

    “Grow up, I’m not getting pulled over around here.” huh. Now that he mentions it, Evan doesn’t think he’s ever been this way before. It looks like one of the areas where gas stations close at sundown and the person behind the bulletproof glass is there at night. 

    “Where- uh- where are you taking me?” Connor takes a hand off the wheel to shove him, hand catching and hovering over Evan’s lap. 

    “Are you carrying or just happy to see me?” he doesn’t laugh at the joke, jamming a hand into his pocket and unfolding his knife as he pulls it out. Connor looks a little surprised.

    “That'd come in handy, but you just wait out here alright?” is this a drug deal? Connor pulls up on the side of the road and gets out, reminding Evan to lock the car doors once he’s gone, and trods off. This is a drug deal, what if they get caught and take down Evan’s plate number? This is why he does his deals at Olive Garden, it’s so much less shady. He sits and plays with his knife, named Michelle, opening and closing her methodically to soothe himself with the repeated action.

    “I can’t believe you brought me to a drug deal; you- you could have just as-asked me for weed, weed. Or, or we could go to a dispensary like normal people!” Connor looks at him, barely in the car with his shady looking paper bag, and laughs. 

    “Okay Hanson, I think you need one of these now.” 

    “No- I’m not smoking in my car my, my, my, mom rides in here!” the other boy gets in and hands Evan a can of vodka, which he didn’t think they even sold in the US. He stares at it, rolling the lukewarm can in his palm as he considers it. It’s Saturday, but Evan’s not really sure he can trust Connor with him while he’s drunk. 

    “What, are you gonna be a pussy about it?” Connor starts driving, flooring it out down another road that Evan has never been on before. He didn’t even know this part of town was here, to be honest. 

    “No, I-I just don’t trust you. Oh god, I’m sorry that was mean, I’m, I’m so sorry-I didn’t mean that.”

    “You meant that.” oh, he totally meant it. Evan is surprised that he's letting the guy drive his car, which wasn't his greatest decision ever. Though, Connor isn't actually the worst driver. Sure he isn't wearing a seatbelt and he's speeding, but they haven't crashed yet so that's something at least. A sharp ring cuts through Evan’s thoughts, bringing a sigh past Connor’s lips. He checks his cell, tossing it over at the blonde who barely catches it in time. 

    “Get that for me?” he looks down at the display, a photo of Zoe on the screen with a prompt to answer or decline the call. Jesus Christ. He slides across the green and tries to hold onto Connor’s overly sized phone with one hand. 

    “Uh- hello?”

    “Hey, where the hell- you’re not my brother. Who is this?”

    “N-No, no this- uh- this is Evan. Connor is, uh, busy?”

    “Tell her we’re having sex.” Evan coughs, nearly dropping the phone trying to get air to his lungs after that one. 

    “Ugh, listen I just want to know if Connor is coming home today. I was just at the hospital and he’s already gone. Mom and Dad will kill me if I don’t know where he is.”

    “S-sorry, we’re, uh, we-we’re busy? C-uh-Connor is staying at my place tonight? We’re-” her sigh of exasperation cuts him off.

    “Just shut up, okay? I want to talk to my brother.” he panics.

    “We're having sex.” Evan hangs up on her. Connor is laughing at him but he's just staring down at the cell phone, not even with horror, just defeat. 

    “What the fuck was that?” 

    “I panicked.”

    “You do that a lot.” Connor holds out his hand to take his phone back, laying it across his thigh while he drives. Hey, Evan recognises where they are now; that makes him feel a little less like he's going to get stabbed on the side of the street. He can never talk to Zoe again. Well Evan has never actually talked to her, but he could have! Someday. 

    “Okay, back to Earth Hansen.” Connor shakes him, bringing him back to the present. He's sitting in his car, he's in his.. driveway?

    “Why do you know where I live.” he shrugs, not making Evan feel any better about how he's apparently been stalked or hacked by the guy he already didn't trust. 

    “It's in the school database.” … 

    “Yeah, but they don't jus-just give that out!” 

    “Not unless you have an administrator’s password.” he pulls the keys from the ignition and gets out of the car, using Evan's key to unlock the door like it's no big deal to just. Go inside without him. Connor Murphy is.. sure something. 

* * *

    “When does your mom get off?” it's been at least hours since they got here and now Connor wants to know when Evan's mom is going to walk in on the Nicholas Sparks marathon? Evan laughs.

    “I-I'm lucky to see her at all.” Evan picks up a handful of popcorn and starts to crush them over the bowl, taking a perfectly round kernel and rolling it between two of his fingers. Connor is tipsy at best and stoned at worst and Evan is on his way there, finally having taken something the other boy gave him. There’s not really much he can do to him in his own home, right?

    “Lucky, I wish I could get my mom to back the fuck up and get off my goddamned case.”

    “Oh, trust me she- she does plenty of that. It jus-just feels like.. Like she cares more about the, the challenge of  _ curing  _ me t-th-than as her kid y’know? She-she doesn’t see me. Just what’s wrong with me. A-a-a toy to fix.” he spits the last bit out bitterly, flicking the popcorn kernel across the room. Connor reaches over and slaps a hand down on his shoulder, meeting his eyes.

    “Hey. I know how that is. They don’t really want you unless they can fix you. Find all the pieces and put them back together like a puzzle; but what if you’re shattered and the pieces are too small? Then they can’t put you back together and you’re useless.” Evan expected that to be more motivational but he thinks that it made him even more depressed. He’s useless, he knows that. But to his own mother? Well, he knew that too. He’s just a burden. An expense. Another thing to worry about.

    “But those broken statues in Rome are worth like, zillions of dollars or something! And that place where they slaughtered all those motherfuckers is falling apart and a shit ton of people still go to see it cuz it’s fucking beautiful! And you’re falling apart but you didn’t kill a shit ton of bitches so that makes you even better than the bull place.” Connor’s eyes sparkle and he looks damn proud of that statement. It.. well it’s probably the most positive thing Evan has ever hear the guy say so that’s something at least. The brunette takes a swig from his can and holds it straight out at Evan. Y’know, what the hell. He takes it and knocks it back, expecting slightly warm vodka, but getting that plus whatever else Connor could get his hands on to mix in with it. 

    “Jesus Christ.” he coughs.

    “Yup, that’d’be the fireball.” wow. Evan isn’t a stranger to drinking, but wow.

    “Vodka, fireball..” he takes another drink, “that apple shit, and..liquid THC?” Connor claps, holding both hands up in the air over his head grinning at Evan brightly. Huh. He didn’t think Murphy would be so upbeat when he’s drunk. Or high. But, he  _ is  _ both. Evan offers the drink back to its owner but it gets pushed back at him. 

   “You earned the rest of it.” huh. Okay. He pounds it, tilting his head back and relaxing his throat to let it slide right down without needing to taste it too much. 

    “Damn where’s the gag reflex Hansen?” “What gag reflex?” he grins and winks saucily at Conner, making the other boy laugh and shove him into the arm of the couch. Evan’s phone buzzes, but where is it?

heard u were having a good night w ur bf evan ;)

He groans. 

fuck you jared

He shouldn’t text while he’s drunk, but he isn’t that bad yet is he? No, he’s fine. 

i think thats conners job

Evan stretches both arms up and drops his phone behind the couch so he can’t start correcting Jared’s spelling. He looks over at Connor, thinking about that.

    “You know.” he starts, drawing one knee up to his chest and looking straight over at the other boy with a serious look on his face. “I’m pissed at you. I am so mad. I told you-” he swallows thickly, “I told you that I like boys in confidence. It- it was a secret. I get beat up enough already without this-” he gestures between the two of them, “without you. M-making me tell people I’m your boyfriend. Making me tell your hot sister that we’re banging. I don’t even know you.” Connor blinks, looking at him with the smallest of frowns tugging down at his lips. 

    “Who beats you up?” “That wasn’t my point-” “Answer the damn question!” Connor shouts, the palm of his hand smacking hard against the coffee table in front of him and making Evan flinch. 

    “God.” he looks at the blonde sitting adjacent to him, growing more upset as he reaches out and the other boy flinches away from his touch. “I hate myself. I’m such a fuckup.” that’s what Evan was expecting when Connor started drinking.

    “I fuckin wish I killed myself, I was so close.”

    “To-to do what? Make a difference?” 

    “It would do a hell of a lot more than I am now” 

    “No it wouldn’t!” Evan hits his good hand down against the arm of the couch, “Leelah Alcorn didn’t do anything, James Baker didn’t do anything, Hell Damian is still alive and he didn’t do anything. When you kill yourself, all you’re doing is becoming a statistic. Another number, another name for people to shout at society and tell them that they aren't doing enough. But they won't do anything. Because you you're sick. Because kids can be cruel. Because you're just another name and a picture. You're just another goddamned poster child for people that don't actually have any means to do anything but yell into open air because no one is listening.” Connor stares wide eyed at a physically shaking Evan, moving the popcorn bowl away from the middle of the couch to get just a little closer to him. 

    “Y-Y’know. Or something. I-I didn’t meant to-” Connor’s fingers curl into the front of the blonde’s shirt, jerking the smaller boy forward and crashing their lips together harshly. Evan squirms, good hand clamping around the other boy’s bicep and squeezing; Connor’s spare hand raking down the blonde’s back and tugging up at the hem of his shirt. 

    “Ah, w-wait, don’t, don’t-” the taller boy quirks an eyebrow, a down curled down on hi face after his kiss had been ripped apart before he was finished with it.

    “If that’s not coming up, you’re going down Hanson.” he bites his lip, reaching over Connor and snatching up his half full glass of who knows what to hammer it back. 

    “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2863
> 
> And hey, a note on Evan's rant towards the end: I'm not a dick and I care about people but what he said holds some truth to what I think. (It's so weird to mention Damian-who yes is alive- because I've known him personally for a WHILE)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thursday update cuz i'm busy tomorrow

_Dear Evan Hanson,_

_I don’t know if today is going to be a great day, but it sure seems like I had a great night. I took Connor home from the hospital.. And that’s about all I confidently remember. I didn’t want this but here it is and maybe that’s okay. Maybe.. Maybe I found someone that can see me. Maybe-_

    “Hey, what’re you doing?” Evan closes his spiral, looking over at a bleary eyed Connor who is laying on the floor. He wasn’t there when Evan woke up, but he didn’t do anything to stop the other boy from rolling off the couch and giving him more space. Both of them are still almost fully dressed, the exception being the brunette’s black skinny jeans that are haphazardly draped over the back of the couch.

    “Great, you’re up. We n-need to clean all this up bef-before mom comes home. She, she works a lot but she is going to come back some, sometime.” ow. Evan needs to go take a breather, that jabbing pain is back every time he takes half a deep breath. He gets up, rubbing at his eyes and stretching his arms straight up to give himself a sneaky almost full inhale.

    “I need to go get dressed. I-I’d offer but..” nothing he has will even come close to fitting Connor. He’s so much taller and skinnier than Evan’s short and stout form.

    “If you just internalised you being fat I’ll beat your ass. You look like you weigh fucking 90 pounds.” he pops off upstairs, releasing himself and gasping for air. It’s been a long time since he’s slept out fully dressed. He takes a quick shower and brushes his teeth, picking out a pair of jeans that looks like every other pair he own but hesitating on his closet. He’s all out of long sleeved shirts, and he’d usually be fine wearing a shorter sleeved tee on a weekend when he’s just at home with his mom but.. He pulls on a polo anyway, knocking back his meds with some water and looking at himself in the mirror. Man, Evan is lucky his mom doesn’t come in here to just look around. The full sized mirror has spider web cracks at the bottom, which used to be the top, and various writing scribbled across it in permanent marker. ‘Fag’ and ‘Princess’ are among some of the most worn, having been there the longest. He needs to redo them sometime before they’re completely gone. Can’t be feeling good about himself, can he?

    “Hope you’re decent Hanson!” Connor knocks once before he comes in, getting two steps into the room before he finds Evan; taking a few easy strides across the room to join him.

    “God, who- Y’know I don’t really care. But I’ll kill a bitch, Hanson-”

    “Oh-no, no, It-it’s okay. I-I I wrote that.” they share a blank look, waiting for the other to say something.

    “I don’t think any of my, of my pants will fit you. You can, uh, wear one of my shirts if you want? I- don’t have any clean long sleeves.” the brunette looks at him again, making Evan nervous and pull both arms behind his back. Maybe he can wear a jacket or something.

    “I, uh, I’ll.” he squeezes past Connor and leaves his bedroom, intending to finish picking up downstairs but finding that it’s already clean. Huh, how about that. Evan pours a glass of orange juice for himself and sits at the kitchen table. His mom is probably going to get home soon.. He clicks the fire on the stove up, spraying up a pan and shaking up one of those premade pancake batter things. Man, his arm really doesn’t need another workout like this after last night. He finds himself wondering how much of that Connor remembers, because he’s drawing a total blank on it.

    “Jesus what are you, my mom?” speak of the devil, he plops down at the kitchen table wearing some of Evan’s clothes.

    “Yeah, yeah.” he sets down the plate of perfect circles, popping the cap on the syrup and just smearing some on his plate to make it look like he ate something.

    “They, they’re all yours, I’m going to throw in l-laundry. You need something to wear that fits and, and my shirt is.. Dirty.” the last thing he needs is for his mother to find that all over his clothes. He can barely reach the detergent on the top shelf, popping one of the little pods in place and starting a cycle just in time for tires to crunch out on the gravel driveway.

    “Evan?” he could totally just hide out here for a while, if his mom wouldn’t think he’s trying to eat the pods of laundry soap.

    “Oh, Connor! I didn’t know you were staying the night, I wouldn’t have taken such a long shift!” Evan gets in in time to see his mother bothering poor Connor for a hug that he’s suffering through.

    “Hey, hey mom! I uh, I was worried when you didn’t, when you didn’t come home last night. You, you, you didn’t tell me you took ano-another shift.” she pats his shoulder, a pinched look of almost pain on her face while he stumbles over his words. Not in front of a guest, he knows.

    “I’m sorry sweetie, I thought I texted you!” she looks about and seems pleased that everything is where it should be, attention hovering on the breakfast table.

    “Did you eat already honey?”

    “Y-yeah! Um, actually I w-was about to take, to take Connor home!” he drags the other boy out of the kitchen and shoves his shoes on, waiting anxiously for the brunette to lace up his own before trying to toss him out the door just to get out faster. Connor ends up in the driver’s seat, still breathing heavily even after they’re down the road a ways. They sit in silence.

    “So, why does she stress you out so much?”

    “What?”

    “Your mom. You can barely hold your shit together when she’s around.” is it that obvious? It’s not like she abuses him or anything, really Evan feels like she cares too much sometimes. It’s just..

    “I feel like I need to, like I need to do better for her. So I do worse. I feel the pre-pressure to make her think that I feel better and, and that I’m doing okay.” he picks at the sleeves of his too-big sweatshirt, fraying the hem of the poor thing even more than it’s already feel worn to. He never grew into this one like his mom thought he would. Connor pulls into his driveway, turning completely towards Evan and taking his good hand with both of his own. He takes Evan’s fingers away from the poor sleeve and turns it up, folding it neatly and repeating the simple motion on the other side to leave his hands uncovered. Connor doesn’t leave it there, pushing the blonde’s sleeve up his arm and pulling it straight out; turning it over at the wrist so he can see the sensitive underside of Evan’s forearm. The skin there is covered almost completely with scarring, straight white lines etched into his pale skin and joined by fresh pink flesh, puffed up above the rest.

    “I-” he swallows, looking off away from Connor. The brunette traces his fingertips just slightly along Evan’s collection of scars, barely touching him but still bringing the hair at the back of his neck up at attention. Connor looks at Evan but can’t find his eyes, scooting up closer to him and pulling the boy closer to meet his lips down against one of the fresh cuts. Evan makes a little choking noise, looking away from the carpet with tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

    “Connor..” a tear escapes and rolls down his face. “Shh…” he catches the tear, dragging his thumb across Evan’s face and cupping his cheek gently.

    “Hey,” his voice barely above a whisper, Connor pulls away and shoves up one of his own sleeves and holding their arms side by side; his own scars matching up haphazardly with Evan’s, smaller and more compacted than the other boy’s so he could have more space to work with before he ran out. And oh boy, did Connor run out. Every inch of skin he could’ve used, he did. “You’re not alone, okay? You’re never alone.” Evan kisses him, short and sweet with lips lingering after they’d both already pulled away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1426


	7. Chapter 7

    “Hey, Jared, wait I-I can’t keep up with you.” Evan holds his cast with his good hand while he rubs, a good two feet behind his kind of friend. They are very late for school and aren’t even going in the right direction. Mist is still hovering over the ground, making the grass sick beneath his flat sneakers and hard to run over.

    “Where are we going? We-we’re late for class!” Jared shushes him, stopping at the treeline to wait for evan to catch up with him.

    “Evan, I am going to show you something that you’ll never forget.” he doesn’t wait for the blonde to catch his breath, squishing on into the mud and taking calculated turns without any real directions.

    “My obligation friend, this very spot is the site of countless murders. A serial killer, right here in our town, brought every single one of his victims here to kill them slowly, have his way with their bodies and bury them here; right under our feet.” Evan looks around. He’s never heard of any serial killers around here, and if anyone can just walk on in here then there can’t be anything special about it. “It took years for the police to get a trail on him, tracking him back to this spot. But, when they got here to arrest him. All that was left was his body, swinging in the tree right above the still open grave of the last victim he took.” that was kind of a lame attempt to scare him. Evan doesn’t say anything, hugging his arm around his body to try and make himself a little less cold.

    “They say that sometimes, early in the morning, you can hear the screams of his last victim.” Evan isn’t afraid of ghosts. Sure, that’s creepy, but he knows better. There’s no way he’s going to hear anything out here except his own shivering.

    “Jar-Jared can we just-” a scream rips through the mist around him, echoing through the open air. He looks around but doesn’t see Jared.

    “Jared!” it gets louder, raising the hair on the back of his neck and sending chills down his spine. The fog around him is getting thicker, rolling in in sheets and carrying the ungodly wail with it. This.. this has to be a trick or a prank or.. The ground beneath him starts to shift. Evan spins on his heel and runs in the other direction, sneakers sinking in the mud and making it difficult to get anywhere but damn it if he isn’t going to get as far away from that mess as he can. He doesn’t remember which way takes him out of the forest but he can’t say he really cares. He just picks one direction and goes with it until he cant, foot catching on something and sending him tumbling down onto the ground.

    “Ah-” a sharp pain shoots up his ankle. Evan tries to push himself up anyway, hands sliding in the mud and just making a mess of himself.

    “Jared?” he lets himself rest on his elbows, chest heaving to catch his breath. He can't breathe. God, what if he's lost and He gets stuck here and can't get out?

    “Jared!” what if he dies here and they never find his body because no one notices that he's gone? What if.. what if.. Evan's chest feels tight, heart pounding beneath the skin; hard enough for him to hear it over his ragged breathing. Oh god, oh god, oh god. He digs for his phone,dropping it in the mud but trying at it again. It takes too many tries to unlock it, hands shaking too badly to get a good read on his fingerprint. The mud makes it hard to scroll through, and even worse to actually select something through the grime smeared across the poor thing.

    “Mm, what?” a drowsy voice picks up the phone, a quiet sob escaping before Evan could stop it. Thank god for Monday’s.

    “Evan? Aren’t you at school by now?” he swallows, taking a deep breath so he doesn’t start crying and embarrass himself more than he’s about to.

    “C-Connor are you, are you still at home?”

    “It’s Monday Hanson, where else would I be? Where the fuck are you?” he laughs weakly, sounding more than a little strained trying to choke the sound out.

    “I, uh, I don’t know?” he looks around as much as he can but the trees around him don’t really give him any clues as to where he is other than in that forest by the school.

    “I-I guess I’m in, in that for-forest by the school? I-I-” he takes a deep breath. He takes another deep breath. “I uh, I hurt myself? Not-not like I hurt myself I hurt myself but I fell? And- and Jared was here but I don’t, but I don’t know where he went and I- and I-I..” he fails to take another deep breath, gasping in a little burst that doesn’t do anything but make it even harder for him to breathe. He’s just going to die.

    “Woah, hey, chill the fuck out. You’ll be fine, hang on.” the line starts to buzz lightly, telling Evan that he’s on speakerphone, and he can hear Connor moving around on the other end of the line.

    “Okay, tell me about where you are.”

    “I-I-I already did.”

    “Yeah, but you know shit about trees don’t you? What kind are they?”

    “Wh-what does that ha-have to do..” “Just tell me.” “O-oak mostly? And, and Sassafras.” Connor laughs, a car starting up on his end.

    “How can you tell? Are you in a tree?”

    “N-No I’m, I’m on the ground. But-but I can see some of the leaves so I can tell just by, just by those.” Evan’s heart rate is starting to drop back down now, eyesight clearing enough for him to see the leaves on the ground in front of him.

    “The-the oak leaves are long in the middle and have parts that go out on the sides. And, and the veins of the leaf don’t make it all the way to the tips. And- and Sassafras leaves look like M-Michigan.” he wishes he had a free hand to touch some of the leaves, but he’s still supporting himself on his good elbow and clutching his phone with the hand of his already broken arm.

    “Michigan?” Connor chuckles, making Evan laugh a little too.

    “Yeah, like, like a mitten with a thumb. But, uh, sometimes that have that part on both sides. Or! They can not have that at all and just be kinda round-It depends on where you are and what kind of Sassafras tree it is. You can eat Sassafras leaves sometimes, especially in the spring when when they’re still young. And! And! You can dr-dry up Sassafras roots and make tea with them! I haven't tried it but people say it’s really good! Some people say the oils on the tree are hallucinogenic but I don’t think it is. You can’t feed anything with the oil in it to animals though because it’s bad for them. Sorry.”

    “Sorry? What for, Hanson?” “Oh- well I said a lot and, and you didn’t ask me to.” Connor laughs on the other line, wind blowing lightly into the receiver and making static. He doesn’t say anything, humming ever so slightly to himself for a minute.

    “So, you calmed down now?” huh. Evan hadn’t noticed, but he did seem to calm down. The shake in his hand is gone, and his breathing has fallen back into its normal rhythm sometimes while he was going on about trees.

    “Yeah.”

    “Good. I’m at the treeline. You don’t know where you are at all?” Evan confirms that he has no idea. It takes a few minutes, and then some terrible marco polo, but Connor finds him; still laying in the mud and shivering lightly. The dew is mostly gone now, but his clothes are still soaked through.

    “Jesus Christ.” the brunette sighs, kneeling down next to the younger boy and hoisting him up; catching him against his chest when he stumbles and falls. He’s not going to make it all the way back to Connor’s truck like this.

    “Alright, hang on..” he braces a hand on Evan’s back and the other under his knees, taking a good deep breath before sweeping the blonde up into his arms. Evan thought he would be too heavy, but Connor carries him clear out of the forest and sits him down on the clean grass just beyond the treeline. The sun is peeking up on the horizon, making him look even dirtier than he’d originally thought.

    “Okay, let’s see.” Connor takes a knee, looking Evan up and down before carefully moving his legs; propping the one he’s favouring over his lap to take a look at it.

    “It’s looking a little rough, but really that’s just swelling so you probably just twisted it around. Ice it and you’ll be cool in a few days. I can take you home and get you cleaned up, lemme start up the truck.” he gives Evan back his leg carefully, standing up and stretching.

    “Oh, here,” Connor turns back, shrugging his jacket off and tossing it down at the blonde. “Put that on.” Evan removes his sky blue hoodie and slides the leather over his arms, sleeves hiding his hands about as much as his own jacket does anyway. It smells like weed, but he should have expected that. Is Connor high? He shouldn’t be driving if he’s high. But after he gets Evan all situated on his passenger seat, he doesn’t have the heart to ask. The heat is already blasting in the truck, making Evan’s eyelids heavy as he leans against the window. It isn’t a long drive but…

* * *

 

    “Hey, Hanson.” Connor shakes his shoulders, Evan’s blue eyes blinking open and squinting at him. God, he’s so small. “Hey, we’re back at your place now. Can I have your keys to unlock the door?” it takes him a minute to process the question, tucking a shaking hand into his pocket then patting the ones of Connor’s jacket. They must be in his sweatshirt, Connor already has that.

    “I’ve got it. I’ll be right back.” the lanyard is caked with mud, covering up most of the pine tree design but leaving the keys still shiny. He takes a wild guess and tries the blue one, clicking open the front door and propping it open so he can carry a still sleepy Evan inside; taking him straight into the downstairs bathroom and sitting him down on the edge of the tub.

    “Alright.” the brunette runs some water, finding the darkest coloured washcloth he could and dipping it under the warm faucet. “Let’s get some of this off you.” he tugs Evan free of his own leather jacket and sets it off to the side, popping the buttons on his flannel quickly and pulling that away as well. That leaves Evan in a mostly dry t-shirt up top, which is good enough for now. Okay.. he goes for the shoes next, peeling up the velcro and pulling them off his feet carefully as he can.

    “Hey, hey I can..” he hisses, Connor’s fingers brushing the swollen part of his ankle.

    “It’s cool, let me.” he continues up, unbuttoning his jeans and tugging them down to set off to the side. He gets Evan’s ankle first, wiping it clean gently as he can and wrapping it up with a think gauze, starting around his heel and going up until he can’t see any swelling- wrapped just tight enough to not hurt. He wipes up Evan’s legs sparingly, saving his attention for getting those still fresh cuts on his arm nice and clean and topped off with some band-aids for good measure. Connor goes back and rings out his washcloth, making sure it’s nice and warm before getting to Evan’s face. He’s watching the brunette carefully, staying quiet while he’s taken care of.

    “Can you finish yourself off? I want to throw these in the wash and get your bedroom ready for you.” Evan nods quietly. He must not feel like saying much, and Connor doesn’t want to press too hard just yet. He pops out to throw the muddy clothes in the wash, taking the stairs carefully up to Evan’s room. It kind of smells like weed, but not as much as Connor’s own room usually does so he can’t really judge. He makes up the blonde’s bed and finds some extra pillows to stick near the end so he can put up the ankle that he twisted. Alright.. Connor takes a stab at where Evan keeps his clothes, opening up a drawer that. Is full of pocket knives. He tries a few more with better success. He puts together an outfit, looking around for anything else he’d need. The room really suit Evan. Baby blue walls that are cozy enough to make the space feel close and safe without becoming claustrophobic with the furniture in here. His bedsheets are a deep emerald, with matching pillowcases and a cute little bear sat up on top of the headboard, like it’s waiting for Evan to come back. He has nerdy posters and a Star Trek callender with a lot of dates scribbled in, but Connor shouldn’t pry. Though.. Speaking of prying.. He flips open the already slightly ajar box on the nightstand, not sure what he was expecting but finding neatly lined up orange pharmacy bottles all grouped around a baggie. Prescription, probably. Evan is a good noodle. Connor pulls the curtains closed before vacating the room, getting back to Evan and giving him a hand with getting dressed before carrying him precariously up the stairs.

    “There. You want a blanket?” he settles the boy onto the bed, leaning over him to fix a corner that got flipped up while he was making it earlier.

    “Um, sure. Oh- can you open the curtains? My, my plants need the sunlight.” oh, Connor didn’t see those when he closed them. There’s a little bonsai tree and a box with other plants he doesn’t know by name sitting on the sill, and it looks like he has a box out on the other side too. It fits Evan in a weird way. Connor grabs a blanket and drapes it over the other boy, satisfied with his results. A clean, warm Evan. He looks nice and cozy and content, so Connor goes to leave.

    “Oh- uh, are you leaving?”

    “Just downstairs. Looked like you wanted to be alone.”

    “Oh, no! I mean, No, it’s okay. Can you, can you stay here?” he takes his hand off the doorknob, going back over to Evan and climbing up to sit beside him in bed.

    “I’m here as long as you need me Hanson.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2484


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exciting news before you get into the chapter! I officially finished writing this fic.. just now actually! All 16 chapters are written and I'm working on some light editing but all in all there's 0 danger of getting invested in this fic and it getting discontinued!

    “N-N-no I think that you’re thinking about epi-episode two, but I’m talking about The Force Awakens when-” Evan glances off, dropping out of his conversation with Connor to look around. That’s more looks than he could count and he just got here. Is he walking funny? Connor gave him a pair of boots to give him more support on his ankle, and his mom got a brace for him so it should be okay..

    “People keep looking at me.”

    “People aren’t looking at you.” Connor looks around, finding about as many eyes on him as he usually does. Maybe he shouldn’t walk with Evan like this, he has a reputation to keep. But if he’s worried about that he’s already failed himself on that one. He’s wearing Evan’s freshly washed sweatshirt, the sleeves cutting off perfectly on the end of his wrists. It’s a little close for comfort but everyone knows he’s crazy by now don’t they? 

    “No, people are looking at me. I-I know that I always think that, that people are looking at me but they actually are this time.”

    “Well well, the lovebirds finally showed up.” a hand claps Evan’s shoulder, several heads swivelling to look when Jared made his rather loud remark. 

    “Hey-Jared.” he kind of waves, looking around again at the eyes on him. Connor eyes him, putting connections together as he looks between Evan and Jared. 

    “This is Jared?” he looks pointedly at the shorter boy, making Evan a little nervous. Did he mention Jared by name the other day after Connor picked him up?

    “The one and only.” he grins at the brunette, holding out his hand and waiting expectantly for the Murphy to take it. He doesn’t. Jared takes back his hand and scratches the back of his head, giving Evan a look. 

    “What a charmer.” Evan squirms. He doesn’t like talking to Jared like this, he holds eye contact for way longer than he needs to and it feels like his soul is being stared into or something. 

    “Anyway, you two have fun skipping together for three whole days? Y’know, doing your sexy shit.” he wiggles his eyebrows, elbowing Evan in the side multiple times until he’s shoved away. 

    “A-Actually I, uh, couldn’t walk.” he shouldn’t have phrased it like that. Jared laughs  _ viciously _ . He physically flinches the next time he’s touched, pushing his friend away but Jared is persistent to get up close to him; lips almost touching Evan’s ear when he finally thinks he’s close enough to whisper into his ear.

    “Jesus Christ!” he shoves the ginger away from his person, taking a step back and tilting off balance and falling against Connor’s chest. He’s caught neatly, hands curling tightly around his biceps. Not enough to hurt, but he can feel the other boy’s nails digging into his flesh through his leather jacket. Well, Connor’s leather jacket. 

    “C-Connor-” he doesn’t have to say anything to be let go, already being shoved to the side so his friend has both hands free to punch Jared in the face. Evan hits the ground seconds before the ginger follows, though considerably more upset about the whole thing. He’s fine, Connor barely really hit him, but his glasses are looking a little rough. You don’t hit people at school to hurt them, you do it to prove a point. If Connor wanted to beat the shit out of Jared he’d be inviting him down to the bowling alley after school to do it like everyone else. 

    “What the fuck, you’re-” “H-hey, Jared if, if you..” he didn’t think Jared would stop but he cuts off, looking square at Evan and waiting for him to finish that threat. He swallows thickly. “If you fin-finish that I’ll.. tell your mom you left me in the woods.” the colour drains from his face. He scrambles up to his feet, tripping over himself to try and help Evan up off the ground. He feels bad for that one. He’d never tell Jared’s mom anything like that.. 

    “Shit, Ev,” he flinches at the nickname, “I’m so sorry please don’t tell her anything.” poor guy. Evan knows that his friend doesn’t get on the best with his mom, and he doesn’t need more issues with her after his dad..

    “I-I wo- I won’t.” Jared’s eyes had started to well up a little already, and he almost looks like he did when he and Evan were actually friends. He was going to ask about how everything is going, but Jared is already done with having emotions and the smirk is back. 

    “Now C’mon Evan, I want to hear about it. Is he good?” Evan turns pink. He suddenly wishes that Connor had punched him harder. Jared collects his broken glasses and jams them into his pocket, picking up Evan’s backpack and swinging it around his own shoulders so the blonde can’t escape him. And they have first block together today anyway.

    “Evan, let’s go now.” Connor takes him by the wrist, eyeing Jared up and down again as he tugs gently on his ‘boyfriend’.

    “I, uh, I should go to class anyway Connor! It’s st-starting to get late. I’ll talk, talk to you later okay?” Jared left him to die in the woods but hey, who doesn’t do that to a.. Family friend every once and awhile? It’s fine, maybe he didn’t mean it. Connor stands there, not relenting his grip on Evan’s arm until it’s pulled from his fingers. Evan walks in silence with Jared, still feeling watched even without Connor Murphy walking next to him. 

    “It’s cuz you’re dating Connor Murphy dude, why wouldn’t people stare?” what? 

    “..how many people did you tell?” Jared laughs. 

    “Oh, y’know, just a few.” how did Jared even hear about it? Evan never actually said anything to him about it directly, he just knew. Oh yeah. Evan likes to watch Zoe intently from afar, but Jared knows how to exploit technology to his advantage. Like a creep. Or he heard it from his mom. Whoever the information trickled down from, he knows that it was Jared who passed it around at school at least. 

    “Okay,” he plops Evan’s bag on the ground and sits in his desk, not even waiting for the other boy to fully get into his seat, “where the fuck have you been for three days and what were you doing.” nothing he ever says actually sounds like a question. Just more demands that he wants people to answer for his own self satisfaction.

    “I twisted my ankle. I’ve been laying in bed for three days.” Jared snorts. 

    “Jesus, can’t you go four seconds without hurting yourself?” “Can you?” Jared tugs at the sleeves of his shirt self consciously, glancing around to make sure the classroom is still empty.

    “Did you see-”

    “No, but you-you’re wearing a backpack. You, you always carry your books unless you have something fr-fresh on your arms.” Jared looks at him funny. Did he expect Evan not to notice that? It’s pretty obvious. He looks around, tugging Jared’s right arm towards him and under their desk to roll up his sleeve. He only has a few left in his box, but Evan digs through his backpack for them and sticks his last three cartoon band aids over his friend's arm. They don’t really do much for him, but the ponies drawn on them make Jared smile. He takes his arm back and hits Evan, setting himself back up to be an asshole. 

    “Okay, you gotta tell me now; how was he? Y’all had to’ve had sex. Oh my god did you make him wrap up or is he stuck with you forever now? Did you tell him first that you have-” “Oh-my god- Jared, slow down. Shut, shut up about that. I-I don’t need everyone knowing that too.” he drops his voice, leaning closer to Jared so no one overhears them. 

    “We-we didn’t have s-s-se-sex and I did-didn’t tell him.” he laughs at Evan for tripping up over that one so much. 

    “Well you’ve gotta tell him. Have you never let the guy touch you?” he finds something interesting to look at somewhere else in the room, taking his eyes off Jared and avoiding eye contact with his friend. 

    “Jesus Christ how did you tame that boy?” Evan mumbles under his breath, coughing over it and continuing to go on with the bad acting for too long. 

    “What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the D you got in drama.”

    “Never said  _ I  _ didn’t touch  _ him _ .” Jared leans back to look at him, like he’s seeing Evan in a whole new light after that little fact slipped. He stares at the blonde for a good minute, going to say something but whirling around when someone walks into the classroom. 

    “Oh, Evan, I'm so glad to see you back! We missed having you in class.” their teacher walks in with a cup of coffee and a bright smile on her face. It’s too early in the morning to be that happy unless you’re a crack addict or you’re a child. Or Mrs. Murphy, according to Connor. Jared leans back in next to him to keep talking, barely getting a word in. 

    “You did miss a test while you were gone sweetheart, do you want me to send you down to Becky?” Evan can’t stand the way she talks to him, like he’s a child. Class hasn’t even started yet and she’s already trying to shove him out the door.  And god, she looks at him like he’s an idiot.

    “I can read it to him Miss. R.” the last time Jared read him a test, he read the multiple choice options in the wrong order and tripped Evan up too much to finish his test. He gives his friend a look as soon as their teacher turns around. If he screws him over again-

    “I’ve still got the answers, don’t sweat.” he waves his hand, watching Miss R write on the blackboard rather intently. Jared is kind of gross. 

    “..for free?”

    “If you tell me what Connor’s dick looks like.” “Deal.”  They let class start first, jst less than half the room filling up a minute before bell and a few stragglers filing in during the pledge that Evan doesn’t stand for. He’s been to detention for that dozens of times but he isn’t going to stand for a country and the people in it that he doesn’t believe in. 

    “Alright class..” Evan looks down at his phone, but he doesn’t have anyone to text. Connor is probably ditching or in detention but he doesn’t want to bother him anyway. He closes his eyes, leaning back in his chair and taking a deep breath. His fingers curl around the cast on his right arm, and he can practically feel the moments before he broke it again. Sunlight shining on his face, wind ruffling through his hair, the sky above his head clear and so brilliantly blue. The world had seemed off centre when he looked down, legs shaking and fingernails digging into the bark of the tree. It had taken him two tries to jump, catching himself involuntarily the first time and needing to force himself to let go and fall. The sky bent before his eyes, wind rushing up from behind him and pushing his hair into his line of sight. It was beautiful. Not a bad last sight by any means. And then he hit the ground, and it hurt. There had been a sickening snap, arm skewed between his body and the ground when he landed and taking most of the fall. Evan aches to go back out there to see the sky again. It’s getting colder now and the trees are just beginning to get their colour. He could try again, if he could get up the tree with his ankle like this. Go higher this time and be more ready this time. Maybe take something so he could..

    “Earth to Evan, come on man.” he opens his eyes, the fluorescents in the classroom stinging at his eyes. Jared is stood up beside him, the rest of the class diligently pretending to work on something. Evan gets up, trailing behind Jared to an empty classroom and sitting down with him. They’re supposed to go to the lab, but that’s all the way downstairs. 

    “Alright, I’m filling in answers for you. Start talking.” right. First Evan needs to remember what it looked like for himself. He’d been a little drunk at the time but since then he’s remembered a good less than half of the night. 

    “He’s cut. I don’t know why but I did-didn’t expect him to be. A-and, uh,” Evan is starting to feel a little weird about this. Is it okay for him to just talk about Connor’s dick? “It was kind of skinny?” he makes a gesture with his hands and makes Jared laugh, his smile lines highlighting that little scar that he has on his cheek. 

    “Huh, I thought he’d be packing. I mean, his sister sure has tits but I guess the whole family isn't blessed.”

    “It-it’s bigger than yours.” Evan flashes a satisfied smirk at his friend, who is marking something with the wrong answer for that. It’s actually been a long time since Evan has seen Jared’s, but he must still feel insecure about that one. Doesn’t every guy though? They both fall silent, the scratch of a pencil left to fill the empty space. 

    “You remember that time we kissed?” he looks up, surprised Jared wanted to bring that up of all things. 

    “Yeah, I do. You tried to sh-shove your tongue down my throat and, and I punched you.” the ginger touches the scar on his cheek from the ring Evan was wearing that day, grinning at him in that way that always makes Evan nervous.

    “I don’t want to kiss you.” Jared laughs. 

    “Good. Connor’d probably kill me. I was just thinking about it.” that’s not. The best thing. Evan doesn’t know what to say. 

    “Can I use your phone? You can go back to class, I’m grounded and I need to call my mom.” did Jared just manipulate Evan by reminding him of a good memory right before asking for a favour? He digs his cell phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, dropping it into Jared’s outstretched hand and taking his test. 

    “Tell R I went to take a piss or something.” he has a bad feeling about that, but it’s probably just useless anxiety. Evan goes back to class and turns in his test, abusing his class time and doodling on his worksheet. He ends up picking up the answers from someone that looked it up, just for the handful of points it’ll give him. The rest of the day is just as slow, but feels like it goes by in a blur. By the time the day is over, Evan doesn’t remember anything he did and honestly prefers it that way. Being numb is better than being in pain, and he’s on his way to the pinpricks of life trying to worm its way back into something that fell asleep. 

   “Evan!” Connor barrels into him, almost taking him to the ground right there in the parking lot. He didn’t come from behind him, running straight out of the parking lot and towards Evan. Did he leave and come back just to pick Evan up?

    “Oh-oh, hey Connor. You, you didn’t have to come back just to get me. My c-car is still here so I can just-”

    “Oh, fuck off. It’s bad enough you’re a dumbass that drives with a broken arm but you’re going to get in the car with a jacked up ankle too? Come on, I’m taking you home.” Evan doesn’t like how many things that could mean. Connor takes him by the wrist and pulls him out into the parking lot, pretty much shiving him up into his truck and shutting him inside. He starts the car but doesn't move to start driving, looking from Evan to the floor and back again. Is he about to get murdered or something? Connor leans closer and Evan recoils, scrunching himself up and tilting his face away in his attempt to protect himself from.. nothing. He uncurls, making eye contact with his friend who is leaning halfway across the seat of the truck; hand outstretched towards Evan but frozen before he'd gotten to touch the other boy. 

    “Oh- uh, s-sorry I thought-” Connor touches his face, fingers shaking as the tips skim across his cheek before jerking back. The brunette waves it off, brushing some hair from his face and sitting back in his own seat. Evan isn’t sure he understands. They were fine this morning, did he fuck something up? Connor starts driving, bouncing the leg not on the accelerator nervously. 

    “Will I see you tomorrow?” huh?

    “Y-yeah, I’ll see you tom-tomorrow Connor.” they pull up in Evan’s driveway, doors still locked. He was going to say something, but his friend is already turning towards him. Instead of saying anything, Connor leans forward and cups his face, making the blonde start to shake despite desperately trying to not freak out about being touched. Connor isn’t going to hurt him. He hovers over the other boy, teeth tugging lightly on his own bottom lip before finally turning Evan’s face and planting a slightly wet kiss on his cheek. 

    “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2919


	9. Chapter 9

Evan? 

He glances down at his cell phone, clicking off the ringtone so it doesn’t go off again. It’s just Connor, he can wait until after he’s done for a reply. This is just a little more important than saying good morning to his friend. He sits and waits for longer than he thought he’d have to, scratching things down on his papers in nearly illegible handwriting. God he can’t wait to get his right hand back. He sneaks a peek at his phone, his notifications topped off with a message from Jared. Evan taps on that one specifically, making the rest of his notifications for messenger Disappear.

Where you at ev 

Ever the conversationalist, isn't he.

Not coming to school today, I'm at the hospital. 

He looks up when the next person is called, it's not him but he should be up soon.

Tell Connor I said hi if you see him? 

They call him up and he sits through his doctor telling him to be more careful and stop making his body fall apart before they actually get to what he came here to do. His arm is gross, pale, and smells kind of bad when they cut it loose, but at least he can use it now. Seven weeks is a long time to use his left hand for jerking it. She takes some blood while he's there to send off to The lab; he's due for a blood check pretty soon so they'd might as well get it out of the way. Evan looks down at his healed arm, scars standing out even when his skin is sickly pale. He needs to spend more time in the sun now so those ones don't sink back in and fade. Evan gets out when the sun is already high in the sky, glaring harshly off his gross pale skin. He could go home, but his mom will still be home… He turns left out of the parking lot, taking the back roads out to the reserve that he spent the better part of his summer vacation in; pulling up at a remote area where you normally only see rangers. The grass is still green even while the leaves have started to turn yellow on the trees, a gentle breeze picking up raising the hair on his bare arms. But the sun is bright in the patches it breaks through the trees as Evan pushes through the forest, finding a clearing that stretches out in front of him. No, this is the clearing. Evan can feel his footsteps fall into pace with his past self; an echo of the memory still fresh in his mind. Seven weeks later and here he is again. He finds the tree and slides down against the trunk, gazing up at the leaves above him. If only he'd brought his journal.

    “ _Dear Evan Hanson.._ ” He begins aloud, turning his palms up towards the sun and letting his eyes flicker shut.

    “ _Everything is calm and everything is bright. The trees are still and the leaves rustle just so in the breeze. They stand tall and sturdy even though everything else is falling apart. I think this is the eye of the hurricane and I don't want to feel the storm. I wish I could say I learned something from last time, but all I learned is that I need to climb higher._ " He glances down at his phone, a line of notifications going down his lockscreen all from Connor.

    “ _And then there’s Connor. Connor who I don’t know what to think about and who I know doesn’t know what to think about me. But he’s here and I could let myself hold onto that. Like a lifeboat in the ocean, but even those can sink and I don’t know how to swim._ ” Evan unlocks his phone and opens his conversation with Connor, the new messages starting this morning at six and going all the way down to the three dots that tell him the other boy is still typing now.

Evan?

Evan where are you? 

They go on, asking him where he is and if he’s okay and why he isn’t at school. They lose that caring touch along the way, getting more and more pissed as the day went on. A new message pops up from the bottom.

Jesus fucking Christ Evan where have you been. 

He cracks his knuckles before he starts to type, fingers feeling clumsy after trying not to use them for so long. Connor beats him before he can get out a complete thought.

Kleinman told me you were in the damned hospital and you didn’t say anything all day what the hell. 

Why.. Evan spaces back and starts again.

I cut my cast today 

Connor starts typing then the bubble goes away. Did Evan really fuck this up too?

Where are you? Right now? 

He looks around. Connor wouldn’t understand. Evan doesn’t even understand himself, why should he expect anyone else to figure it out? He can just stop, Connor wouldn’t care if he..

I’m at the park. 

He reads it immediately, but doesn’t make any keystrokes. He’s leaving this one on Evan and it feels.. Strange. He’s never had someone who’s just ready to listen.

I’m going home 

Evan worries his lips between his teeth, this close to asking Connor over but.. Not able to be that selfish. Connor has his own shit to do, he can’t ask the guy to drop everything when he probably won’t even have the guts to say anything to him. He drives home the quickest way he knows, not finding much traffic between the park and the suburbs in the middle of the day and making record time. There’s a black truck parked in the driveway when he pulls in, driver’s seat empty. The front door is locked, but Connor is standing at the top of the stairs.

    “You..”

    “You left your window open.” that’s terrifying. Evan’s bedroom is on the second floor, how did he.. It’s probably better not to say anything more about that. He goes straight past Connor to the bathroom, dying to help his arm before it shrivels up and dies after seven weeks closed up in a cast.

    “It’s so fucking pale, jesus.” Evan turns on the faucet and thrusts his arm into the cold water, not saying a single word to Connor while he gives his arm its own personal shower. They’re silent, Connor hovering over his shoulder watching his every move intently like he expects Evan to just fall over and die or something. He dries off and pushes straight past the brunette into his bedroom, sinking down into his foam mattress and letting out a long sigh. Connor sits beside him, a hand between his shoulder blades but a distracted look on his face. What was it that Evan expected? He doesn’t remember what he thought Connor would be able to do for him.

    “Evan?” it’s a question, but he doesn’t know what the other boy is asking him. He doesn’t really know anything. About Connor, about himself, about anything. God, he’s so stupid.

    “I don’t know.” he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know why he’s like this, he doesn’t know why he’s upset. He just is and can’t fix it. How do you find the solution without knowing the problem? Maybe Evan is the problem. Too broken to be fixed. Connor rests a hand on his thigh and Evan flinches, smacking the bare skin of his friend’s arm and shoving him away completely.

    “Don’t touch me, don’t-” he wraps both arms around his head, covering his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to hear Connor’s voice, he doesn’t want to see him. He doesn’t want to hear his own voice. He doesn’t want his damn sympathy when he doesn’t deserve it. His eyelashes are wet against his skin, but Evan doesn’t remember crying. His chest hurts. Cold fingers touch his arm, pulling on him to uncover his ears. It’s Connor, it’s just Connor-

    “What the _fuck_.” Evan’s heart skips a beat, a pit opening up in his stomach and making his blood run cold. God, he didn’t mean to do that.

    “I-” “Evan, what the fuck.” Connor covers the red splotch with his own hand, but it couldn’t have hurt that much. He didn’t mean to. But that can’t make the much bigger boy stood in front of him any less pissed off.

    “I-I didn’t..”

    “What? Want me here? Think I would stick around to bother you for so damn long? Tell me to fucking get lost, Evan. Tell me you don’t want anything to do with me, Evan. Tell me you wish you hadn’t kept me around, Evan.” Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, he can’t stand hearing his own name spit back at him like this. He can’t even look at Connor, hiding the tears washing over his face to shield himself from further ridicule for that. They always just go harder when you cry.

    “At least fucking look at me.” Connor drags him off the bed by the front of the shirt, forcing Evan’s tear streaked face to look up at him; braced for the other boy to hit him back but not ready for Connor’s open palm to smack straight across his face. They lock eyes and the fire behind Connor’s iris’ dies out, diffused by the panic it was met with. His hand goes slack, jerking back a step.

    “Evan-”

    “Get out. Just-just get out.” he hesitates before leaving, footsteps heavy on the stairs. Evan holds his breath, waiting to hear the truck crunch out of the driveway before he feels good enough to let out his breath. His hands are still shaking when he picks up his little watering can, walking it over to his plants and pouring a drizzle over his boys. He loves his sons, they always calm Evan down. They depend on him, if he wasn’t here to water them they would die. He’s still breathing unevenly when he’s done, most of the water on the table instead of in his boys’ soil. It takes a few tries to get a read on his thumbprint, but the number he wanted was on speed dial once he got in.

    “H-Hey, Jared?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1716
> 
> This chapter feels? Weird? idk i wrote it a while ago so


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was originally a sex scene in this chapter but I took it out.

    Evan frowns, trying with his scissors again but still not getting the result he wants. Damn it, this usually isn’t so hard for him to do but his hand won’t stop shaking. He’s not ready, but he has to. He’ll have to at some point anyway, there’s no avoiding it. 

    “Evan? You’re going to be late sweetie!” damn it, he still needs to clean up this mess. He rolls down his sleeves and brushes himself off, pulling on ‘his’ jacket and patting down his pockets to make sure he has everything before he leaves. If he gets hair everywhere today he can deal with it; it really needed that trim, for his look and for his confidence. There’s still one piece that falls into his face but Evan already tried to fix it so there is just where it’ll have to stay. 

    “Bye mom!” he gets out before she can see that he cut most of his hair off, just slightly speeding down the road to school. He isn’t going to be late by any stretch, but Evan wants to catch Jared before class.

    “Evan!” his friend is already hanging around his locker when he gets there, laptop in hand and open while he waits. He catches a glimpse of what the ginger is doing and..

    “Are you pl-playing Huniepop?” Jared shuts his computer and hits Evan with it. 

    “You just don’t understand Ev, Tiffany is my soulmate. We were meant for each other, but born in different worlds.”

    “She-she’s a computer, Jared, she wasn’t- oh nevermind. I-I think I want to do it today.” the other boy blinks absently at him and looks around. 

    “Okay, but if you say it that loud people’ll think it’s with me.” 

    “What-no, no not that. I mean, Con-connor. You know- the thing.” it’s all Evan has been talking about since it happened, how to fix what he did and make it right. He didn't even know Connor or feel close to the guy for long but he just needs to make it right.

    “Dude it’s been a week and he hasn’t spoken to you since. Just let it go, I’ve heard he isn’t that great of a bone anyway.” Evan shoves him, looking around to make sure the few people n the hall this early didn’t hear him say that. 

    “Oh my god!” he opens his locker but remembers that he didn’t need anything from it and just closes it again, starting down the hall with Jared in tow.

    “But seriously, don’t say anything to the guy if he can’t even work up the nerve to look at you. Make him say something first.” they stop in front of the library, the most lively part of the school in the morning since they started serving coffee off in the back corner. 

    “What are we doing here.”

    “Well, it’s Wednesday a-and Connor is usually here in the morning..” Jared sighs. 

    “Fine, go romance psycho boy, see if I care when you end up in a ditch because you didn’t talk to him for too long.” Evan rolls his eyes, walking in past the metal detectors and scanning the library. There’s a crowd of tired teens by the coffee, but Connor hates people so… he catches sight of dark hair in the nonfiction section. Bingo. Oh god, what if he makes it worse? Evan starts walking anyway, taking a deep breath before going straight down the row he saw Connor in. The other boy sees him immediately, freezing in the middle of taking a book off the shelf. 

    “Evan-” 

    “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I freaked out on you, I didn’t mean to but it was a bad day and, and everything was so loud and you just kept  _ touching _ me and I didn’t know what to do, and, and, and-” he’s out of breath, heart racing too quickly in his breast to hear himself speak. God, was that right? Everything that he had set up for the past week in his head is gone and all he can think about is the crack of Connor’s hand hitting his face. The bruise is still there, under a layer of generously applied foundation and it hurts.

    “Hey, woah, slow down. It’s okay, I must’ve stressed you the fuck out and all.. I forgive you.” Connor takes him by the shoulders, forcing Evan to look him in the eye while he smiles softly down at the other boy. 

    “I didn’t mean to make you do that. I-I should've known that you were stressed out, and, and you were feeling weird about something the day before, and I just-” the blonde repeats, looking off and to the right rather than at his friend. He should’ve done this earlier, before the fight hit the week mark.

    “It’s okay.” Connor soothes, moving his hands to cup Evan’s face instead and hold him still while he goes in for a kiss. Right here in the library, where people could see it. Oh god. They kissed like, two other times before but that wasn’t.. Evan doesn’t.. He lets Connor kiss him, lips soft against his own chapped and chewed up skin. It’s a sweet and gentle thing, but Evam isn’t sure this is what he wanted from all this. He wanted to be okay with Connor again, but this might be a little too okay. But he’s so warm and he’s holding Evan so carefully, it almost makes him feel wanted. Connor drops his hands to cup his ass, ruining the moment a little and making Evan jump.

    “Sorry..” the brunette leans in, breath hot against the other boy’s neck. Despite his apology he squeezes just a little harder, and Evan can feel his smile against his skin. His fingers skim along the blonde’s thigh, coming around the front to roll the package in his jeans in his hand. Oh, god. Oh, god. Evan doesn’t know what to do.

    “I just can’t stop thinking…” his heartbeat stutters, and he feels like he should be holding his breath. God, Evan is going to pass out. He can’t take this. Connor’s lips meet the skin below his ear, hot and damp but nothing compared to when his tongue flicks out for a taste. He really didn’t mean to make a noise when the other boy bit him, pulling just so at his skin and worrying it between his teeth, but Evan hears the pathetic little whine before he feels himself making it. That’s going to leave a mark. Oh, god, that’s going to leave a mark too high on his neck for him to cover. Connor rolls his hips forward. Aren’t they still in a public place? Aren’t they still at school? Evan is dizzy. The five minute bell rings. Connor curses under his breath, pulling away from the blonde and glancing around like he’d forgotten where they are. 

    “Wait for me after school?” Evan nods, not trusting his voice enough to speak. The other boy kisses him again before he goes, the gesture not processing through his head until Connor is already gone. What. Just happened? What did he just agree to? What.. He swallows thickly, adjusting his clothes and the.. Placement of his jeans before trying to leave nonfiction. Jared is still hanging around in the main part of the library, coffee in hand. 

    “Ev, Jesus it took you long enough. How did it go? I just saw him power out of here.”

    “W-uh-well, I th- I think he forgave me. Do you have a scarf?”

    “What?”

    “I need a scarf.” Jared gives him a look, scanning him from head to toe again for a reason to be so out of breath.

    “Come on, Ev, let’s get you to class. You can tell me all about it.”

* * *

Jared fiddles with the scarf he’d looped around Evan’s neck, tying it loosely and tugging it up further.

    “Alright, what are you going to do?” he tilts his head, still not happy with how he made Evan look and pulling the strip of white fabric back off him again.

    “I don’t know. He just asked me to wait up for him.”

    “Mhm. Before or after he gave you the hickey?” he tries again with the infinity scarf but it just isn’t working. The already forming bruise is too high up to cover comfortably like this.

    “After.”

    “So you’re gonna fuck him.” Jared turns to rummage through his backpack, pulling a glass bottle from its depths and comparing his foundation shade to Evan’s complexion.

    “No! N-no. I-I don’t want to.. Y’know.” they are not the same shade at all. Actually, the blonde matches his concealer more than the foundation which is just sad for him.

    “Okay. So how’re you saying no? Cuz that boy wants to fuck your brains out.” Evan turns red, squirming away from his friend the next time he’s touched. 

    “Don’t say stuff like that! He has no reason to..” he gestures vaguely, crossing both arms across his chest.

    “Yeah sure, let’s ignore the fact that you’re so cute that everyone around you is sexually frustrated. Here, turn your head.” Evan moves, Jared’s fingers pushing his head to the side so he can dab on some concealer and attack him with that sponge thing.

    “That should cover you until you get into your room, lemme powder you real fast.” Jared sets him and brushes off his neck, making the bruise disappear after only a few people throughout the day got to see it. Evan would die if his mom asked about it. It’s been at least ten minutes since school ended now, and he’s still sitting in the bathroom with Jared. God, he’s nervous. What if Connor just jumps him and he can’t say anything? The guy probably means well, but he’s overwhelming and Evan is slow.

    “You start talking first. Don’t let him touch you at all, that’s a gateway. Like cocaine.” is cocaine a gateway drug? Evan can’t draw the connections for that one, but Jared has a point. He lets it happen but maybe he should try to control the situation a little more.

    “Okay. I’m ready.” he doesn’t sound ready, but Jared takes that anyway and helps him up off the ground. 

    “Go get ‘em. I’m going’ around so he doesn’t see me.” Evan works on deep breaths going down the stairs, keeping the shake out of his step as much as he can and pushing the doors open as hard as he can to make himself feel badass. Connor is standing outside, hands in the pockets of the sweatshirt he took from Evan and hair blowing in the wind. He looks like a fallen angel or something. His camera shutter gets the other boy’s attention, phone pointed at him and the beautiful moment captured for Evan to keep and maybe draw later. Connor would be a gorgeous model. 

    “Hey, Connor. Sorry I-” the brunette takes him by the hand and pulls him away from the building and out to his truck, wedging Evan between himself and the Ram and leaning up just to be close to him. Oh, wow. 

    “Hey Ev.”

    “Don’t- call me that.”

    “Jared calls you that.” Connor laces his fingers through Evan’s hair, nails dragging across his scalp and making him forget about wanting personal space. Connor kisses his cheek, and Evan doesn’t remember what he was so worried about coming out here. The brunette is so sweet. 

    “Here, get in.” Connor unlocks the truck and gets in, pulling Evan in by the hand and sitting him down right into his lap; a leg on either side of his own and Connor’s face already buried in his neck. He’s sat like this with Jared more times than he can count before, after, and during panic attacks. Evan wraps both arms around the other boy, and Connor is shaking when he pulls the brunette closer. It’s probably better for him not to ask right now, so Evan opts to just snuggle up closer on Connor’s lap and press the ghost of a kiss against his neck; just so he knows that he’s there. 

    “I feel like shit.” Connor speaks softly, quieter than Evan has heard him in the short time they’ve known each other anyway. He pulls himself back, touching Evan’s face gently and stroking his thumb across the place he’d struck. 

    “For hurting you. I just- I was so worried about you all day and when you came home and you were.. I flipped my shit and I’m sorry.” Evan kisses him then, cupping Connor’s face in his hands and just barely touching their lips together. You could hardly even call it a kiss, but it was something that Evan wanted to do. The brunette takes it and more, chasing the blonde’s lips as he pulls away and kissing him hard; hands meeting around at the small of his back so he can’t run away. Not that he would want to. Evan lets Connor kiss him and pushes back just as hard, twisting the other boy’s long hair in his fingers and pulling; not expecting Connor to moan against his mouth. 

    “God, do that again.” Evan obliges twisting a clump of silky brown locks in his hand and tugging sharply, rocking Connor’s head back with it and an almost pained groan from his lips. 

    “Harder.” he demands, desperation creeping into his voice and hands moving down to rest on Evan’s thighs; thumbs rubbing circles against his jeans. Oh, that feels good. Evan hasn’t actually had another person touch him since.. That one time with Jared last year. He pulls harder, just to watch the brunette’s eyes roll back in his head and his hips jerk forward against the other boy involuntarily. 

    “Evan, God, Evan.” his throat moves as he swallows, one hand curling around the front of the blonde’s jeans and firmly squeezing his dick. Oh, wow.

    “Oh, C-Connor I..” he bites his lip, teeth finding the grooves he’s already left in the skin there. Connor opens his eyes meeting Evan’s with a question between them, though while still kneading the other slowly in his hand. 

    “Evan, I'm so sorry..” he tucks his thumb into the waistband of the blonde’s jeans and slides it along his skin to slowly loop around to the button. 

    “Let me make it up to you?” 

    “N-No.” Connor snaps his hands back, curling his fingers up against his own chest as if he needs to resist the temptation to touch Evan. He hadn't meant to just say no outright but.. that works. 

    “I-I mean it, it was my fault anyways- I should me making it up to you." He corrects himself, ringing his hands together nervously. He's never actually done anything like that sober. 

   “If you insist, Hanson.” Connor's lips quirk up into a devious little smile, hands venturing away from his chest to playfully shove Evan's face down towards his lap. He laughs, making the blonde smile back at him. 

    “Uh-" he bites his lip, looking around. They're still in the school parking lot and he's still sitting in Connor's, now feeling like he'll need new underwear when he gets home. Evan shifts and lowers himself down onto the floor of the truck, resting his hands on the other boys thighs more to brace himself than to wait for Connor to be ready. He takes a deep breath and looks back up at the brunette’s patient face, a smile still on his lips. 

    “Okay?” he touches Evan’s face, tracing his fingers across his cheekbone and as far down his neck as he could reach. 

    “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2595


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you saw the chapter I posted maybe a half hour ago it was the wrong one

_ Tap. _

Evan braces a hand over his alarm clock, but that was way too quiet to be his alarm. His Tamagotchi? Not shrill enough for that. It's probably nothing.

_ Tap. _

Oh, go away. Evan is trying to sleep. The sound persists, finally annoying Evan enough to get him out of bed. He takes a knife from his bedside table and goes to the window, squinting outside to find whatever stupid branch is hitting his window. He jumps, a small rock clinking against the glass right in front of his face. Evan pushes up the window, peeking out hesitantly with his knife still in hand. He can’t see the ground, but there’s definitely something down there that doesn’t blend into the colour of the grass. 

    “W-what?” he almost wanted to ask who it was, but if they know he can’t see them it might not go well for him. 

    “Well fuck, it took you long enough. Get down here before I come up, Hansen.” Connor? It.. can’t be past four in the morning. Suck a guy’s dick twice and he thinks he can just show up at your house. 

    “I’m not wearing underwear, Connor. I was asleep.” he can hear the other boy laugh from below him, making Evan more embarrassed about saying that out loud. 

    “Go get dressed, Hansen.” he leaves the window open, ducking back insde to pull on something more than only a t-shirt and some socks. As a last minute addition, Evan grabs his glasses and shoves them onto his face before returning to the window. He half expected Connor to be gone, but the brunette is still standing in his yard.   
“I’m going through the front door.” Evan closes the window, grabbing a jacket on his way out and creeping down the stairs just in case his mother would wake up and care where he’s going in he middle of the night. Connor beat him to the door, leaning against the railing of the porch and looking out at the night sky. It’s beautiful from out here, further away from the rest of town than where the Murphy’s live. Now, Evan is still definitely in the suburbs but this is more like the suburbs for old people. The houses are older, but the yards are bigger and the air is clear. 

    “H-hey Connor.” he looks like a mess, brown hair tangled and sticking up in some places and the tag of his shirt visible on the front of his chest. He isn’t wearing a jacket, arms bare and looking to be chilled standing outside like this. He smiles when he sees Evan, a rare occurrence that isn’t wasted on the blonde. The open expression on Connor’s face tugs at his chest, almost taking his attention away from the red left behind from tear trails streaking across his face. Evan waits for him to say something, moving to stand beside him and look out at the stars. 

    “You wear glasses?” the moment is ruined. Out of all the things Connor could have said, nothing else could have made Evan hate himself more than that. He should have wasted time putting in his contacts, god his glasses make him look so stupid. He’s tempted to rip them off his face and throw them, eyesight be damned. 

    “Nevermind, that’s not important. I want to show you something.” that sounds worrying, actually. Connor takes the blonde’s hand and pulls him down the steps and to his truck, directing him to stand away from the door so he can open it and pull out.. A bucket. A bucket?

    “Uh-” is Connor insane? Is that what’s happening? Or is that where his insides are going to go after he gets fucking murdered? Just when he stopped being constantly afraid that Connor is going to change his mind and kill him in cold blood.

    “Take it. It’s a tree.” Evan takes the bucket, peering inside to see a little sapling sprouting up out of the dirt inside it. It’s so small, Evan is afraid to touch it for fear of snapping the stem. They don’t sell saplings this small in stores, Connor must’ve grown it himself. 

    “It’s a magnolia tree. I honestly couldn’t fucking tell you what one looks like but.” he shrugs, stepping up to climb in his truck and looking at Evan to do the same. Where did he get seeds for a magnolia? How did he get it to grow? They don’t usually grow around here. Why did he give it to Evan after he’d already started growing it himself? Can he keep this inside or does it have to go outside? Can he give a tree tap water or-

    “Evan.” right, getting in the truck. He climbs in carefully and holds the bucket in his lap, both arms wrapped loosely around it just in case they make a sharp turn. Or any turn. Or just move at all. He needs to name the tree, or should he wait until it’s bigger? Connor starts driving, smiling over at Evan every once and a while while the blonde is still staring down at the little tree. 

    “Okay I’m really fuckin glad you like the tree, but there’s more. Leave the little guy here and come on.” Evan looks up, then around at where they are. He didn’t notice they moved much at all but it looks like they’re.. In  the woods. No, okay, they’re at the park. Which isn’t much better but at least calling it that sounds a little less murder-y. Connor takes him by the hand and pulls him into the trees, the leaves making most of the other boy disappear in the low light. When the brunette turns to look at him again, the moonlight from above makes his face look paler than he already is.

    “Hey, Ev, it's..” he laughs, “it's four in the morning, I didn't get any sleep before this..” he lets out an exasperated sigh, taking his hands through his hair and leaving it messy. He's looking a little manic. 

    “I just couldn't sleep- couldn't stop thinking. About what I did, or almost did, and why.. why I didn't. You asked why I called you but I just- something that you said to me.” he trails off, looking away from Evan out into the trees. Everything is still, no breeze to rustle the leaves or make a sound to break the silence. When he looks back at the blonde, something a little more hesitant is shining through in his eyes.

    “The best thing that we can all do is go on, and hope that one day we’ll do something that will matter to someone else.” he quotes Evan,  grabbing both of the other boy’s hands and holding them between his own.

    “I.. want to be something to you. I want to matter to you. I want to have something together.” Evan doesn't know what to say. He swallows, afraid to move or make an attempt to respond for fear of saying the wrong thing. 

    “Connor, I..” the brunette smiles softly, releasing Evan’s hands in favour of cupping the other boy’s face. He leans closer, bringing their faces inches apart before speaking again; voice barely a whisper.

    “I won’t hurt you, I promise.” he kisses Evan, long and sweet until the blonde unfreezes. He touches Connor’s side, sliding an arm around the taller boy and holding onto him tight; fingers grabbing bunches of fabric from his shirt. Maybe this is what he needs. Someone to hold onto. Someone to anchor him other than himself. Maybe Connor is what he’s needed all along; someone that understands what it means to be broken. Maybe, just maybe, Connor can see him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1283
> 
> In addition to this chapter I have something else for anyone that cares; I made a tumblr! My url or user thing is real-whizzer and yknow if anyone would want to I'll take fic requests on there. (Spn, deh, star wars, Heather's, and more fandoms)


	12. Chapter 12

    “Hey, c’mon, what are you embarrassed?” Connor laces his fingers between Evan’s again, this time squeezing tightly so the blonde can’t shake him off so easily. 

    “I-I’m not ready.” he jerks his hand away, holding it close to his centre to protect himself as they walk into the school. Everyone is looking at him, everyone must be looking at him. They’re always looking. They have to know. It’s been less than two hours since he and Connor became ‘a thing’ and Evan can’t breathe. Everything had been okay when it was just them, no one there to see or say anything. He already had a meltdown over text with Jared before school, and then his.. Boyfriend was waiting outside for him to get there. This is a lot. And sure he likes Connor enough and he’s nice but. They don’t need to advertise or anything. Connor never even asked and Evan never said yes. They made out and then Connor told him that he’s his boyfriend now. That’s fine though, maybe that’s just how it goes. Evan’s never been asked out before. Or asked anyone else out. He just needs an adjustment period, then everything will fall into place. It’s fine, he just isn’t ready yet. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that no one is looking. He's not important enough for anyone to be looking and that's a good thing. He calms down a little while they walk, shoulders going slack as he remembers to stop looking at people around him. His shoulder hits someone else, pushing him into Connor's side. The guy that ran into him says something but.. Evan had to have heard that wrong. It's been years since anyone has said that to him. Connor is looking at him. Oh yeah, he didn't start walking again. Evan falls back into step with the brunette, feeling tense again. Now Connor is looking at him. If the Earth can swallow people up, that would be awesome.

    “Finally, the lovebirds arrive. Hard time getting up this morning?” someone Evan has never spoken to before is leaned against his locker, a sneer twisted on his lips and a sharpie dangling from his fingers. He pushes off the wall and approaches Evan slowly, bracing both hands against his chest and leaning up to whisper in his ear. He shoves Evan, pushing him straight back onto the ground and meeting no resistance from the blonde.

    “Evan?” he blinks, looking down at the floor around him as though he didn’t know how he got there. Connor turns away from him, looking around at where the kid had been standing. His shoulders stiffen, fingers curling into fists at his sides. 

    “Stay here.” he doesn’t give Evan much of a choice, storming off down the hall before he’s even gotten his bearings straight. What the fuck? He just sits on the ground, thankful that junior hall is practically empty this early, expecting Connor to come back with a teacher or the nurse or at the very least some shitty water from the vending machine. 

    “Ev, why are you on the floor?” Jared walks up behind him, looking down at Evan suppressing laughter.

    “I don’t know? What happened? I-I was uh walking with Connor and..” he looks up at Jared slowly, staring at his friend. The only person he told anything to.

    “You-uh-you didn’t.. Tell anyone did you?” Jared bites his lip. What a bitch. Evan has to be calm about it, there’s no use getting flustered over something that already happened. Besides, he doesn’t have  _ that _ many friends so only a handful of people could’ve possibly heard anything. 

    “C’mon Ev don’t look at me like that. Here,” he holds out his hand and helps pull Evan onto his feet, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, “do you want to see how many retweets it already has?”

    “What the  _ fuck _ !” Evan’s voice squeaks when he yells, shoving Jared’s arm off of him and tipping his phone onto the ground. A few heads turn in the hall but quickly look away. 

    “What the fuck Jared, what part of-of what I said tol-told you it was okay to, to, to tell the whole godd-damned school! I-I-I don’t tell you shit jus-just for the whole student body to hear an hour later!” people are looking again, whispering among themselves and readying their cell phones in case one of them starts to throw hands. No, no Evan doesn’t think he needs to-

    “Please. If you think it took an hour to tweet about it you’re underestimating me.” his fist makes contact with the ginger’s jaw. Camera shutters click and he’s sure that someone over there is making sure other people know something is going down but. God that’s just so awful. 

    “What happened to ‘I won’t tell anyone’? Should anything you say to me actually mean anything anymore?” 

    “Hey, Ev, I didn’t think you’d-”

    “What? You didn’t think I’d what? Be mad? Am-am I overreacting, Jared? T-tell me I’m overreacting!” he shoves the ginger, Jared’s phone crunching under his Nike’s as he stumbles back away from Evan.

    “Woah, come on I didn’t know you’d be so freaked. Dude, I can just delete the Tweet.” he glances against a trash can and falls back onto the ground, Evan following him down and taking a fistful of his shirt as he winds back. His hand is caught, fingers wrapped firmly around his wrist and another hand pulling harshly at the back of his shirt to drag him off of Jared. A teacher from a nearby class helps the ginger up off the floor, picking up his phone and making sure he's okay. The campus officer pushes Evan further from Jared, standing between them in case he's not done yet. 

    “Young man, you should know that we have zero tolerance for fighting on this campus. You are going to be in an awful lot of trouble; please follow me down to the main e.office.” he trails along behind the man, dragging his feet the whole way and only half listening to the principal’s lecture for him. At least the detention room is quiet, Evan is the only one there when he’s taken in. He plops down heavily into the desk pushed furthest into the back corner, flipping open his spiral and sighing down at the page. 

_ ‘Dear Evan Hanson, _

_ I don’t know what I’m doing. Is this what I want? I wanted someone that knows who I am. To look at me and see my faults, but still like me enough to stick around anyway. I want to be seen. I want to be accepted. Is Connor what I wanted? This is all happening so fast, and I feel like I’m standing still. I feel so isolated. I need to talk to someone and I can’t talk to Connor about himself. It's okay. As long as he gives me the time, It'll be okay. Maybe-’ _

The door swings open, the second officer coming in with Connor in tow. 

    “Alright Murphy, sit down and don't bother anyone.” he takes a seat, waiting until the man vacates the room and heading straight over to Evan once they're alone.

   “What, did they lock you up for obstructing traffic?” he sits on Evan's desk, swinging around to face his boyfriend.

   “No, I. Punched someone in the face?” the brunette laughs, head thrown back and a grin spread across his face. He shakes his head, pushing hair from his face and shuffling a little more; swooping one leg around Evan’s lap.

    “I’m serious Hanson, what are you doing here?”

    “I wasn’t kidding.” Connor blinks at him, looking the blonde up and down again. He doesn’t have a scratch on him, but is still looking shaken up after all of that. Evan can’t believe he hit Jared, his only friend for years over this. It’s his fault for being so.. Himself about it. He’s never been the best about being open and by now he should know that Jared is a chronic oversharer.

    “Who the fuck.” Evan waits for Connor to go on, but the fragment is all he had to say. 

    “Jared.” the other boy stares back at him, waiting for him to finish the joke or tell him he’s kidding. But the blonde just stares back, letting that set in. God he feels awful. 

    “Jesus, give me one for that Hansen.” he holds up his hand for a high five but Evan just isn’t feeling it. 

    “Connor he’s my best friend. I-I can’t believe I just did that to him. What if he doesn’t forgive me?” Evan rakes his fingers through his hair, sighing heavily. What got into him? He just got so mad, he couldn’t Stand there and take Jared’s excuses like he always does, not for that. 

    “So what if he doesn’t forgive you? You don’t need him, Evan, you have me.” Connor leans forward and rests a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder trying to tilt their heads together but not getting there so far above Evan. Bracing both hands on the other boy he slides down into Evan’s lap and situates himself there, cozying up as close as he can get and wrapping both arms around his boyfriend. 

    “You have all you need right here.” Evan tries to look away but Connor is right there, forcing the eye contact. Maybe he’s right. Jared has been here for so long but.. When was he really  _ there  _ for him? And Connor has been.

    “Jared doesn’t need you. But I do, Ev, I need you.” Connor kisses him, taking Evan’s face in his hands. 

    “Don’t,” he pulls back just the slightest bit, “call me Ev.” the brunette makes a sour face.

    “Jared calls you that, why can’t I?” Evan shoves him lightly, giving him no explanation for the nickname and why Jared is the only one that uses it. 

    “Fine, I guess I’ll have to think of my own nickname to call you.” Connor grins, kissing the corner of his boyfriend's mouth.

    “Like my treasure,” he kisses Evan’s cheek, “or my sunshine,” his head dips down to kiss the other boy’s neck, “or my sapling..” he rolls his hips, Evan’s head tilting back and giving him a bigger canvas to worth with.

    “Or, you can just be my bitch.” Connor bites down at his boyfriend’s skin, worrying it between his teeth up near where he’s already left a now faded mark.

    “Connor!” Evan squeaks, shoving at the brunette’s shoulders. He moves when he feels like it, leaving a nice bruise again where he can’t easily cover it up.

    “Come on. Get off me may-maybe?” Evan looks up past Connor at the teacher who supervises detention, a cute old lady who’s currently taking a nap over her knitting project. The other boy rolls his eyes, easing back on his boyfriend and giving him a little more space to breathe without actually moving off of him. 

    “How long you wanna stay here Hanson?”

    “Wh-what do you mean? We’re in In School, we can’t just-just leave!” Connor laughs, patting the poor boy’s shoulder for he does not know how the world works.

    “Do you really think that no one has in school today? Not a single person? No, you sign in then fuck off.” Evan didn’t know you could do that. Won’t they get caught if they just leave? He’s already in trouble, he doesn’t want to make it worse by fucking off and leaving just because Connor wants to. 

    “I-I think I’d rather stay here Connor. I need a nap.” the school day just started but Evan is ready to just go back to sleep and try again tomorrow. He still feels bad about Jared. Would he accept an apology after that? Evan knows that his friend didn’t actually like him that much anyway so he might not.

    “You’ve still got that guilty look in your eyes. I told you babe, you don’t need Jared. You’ve got me, why would you ever need anyone else?” Evan frowns. He does have Connor but..The brunette on his lap mirrors the expression, taking it a step further into a scowl. 

    “Am I not enough for you?” did Evan miss something here? He and Connor ae barely even a thing, when did he become everything he needs and more? The blonde chooses to say nothing. Not sure where to even start with that one. 

    “Whatever, do whatever you want.” Connor sighs harshly, climbing up off of Evan’s lap and storming out of the room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I have a tumblr and I take fic requests! My url is galactiktwink and I'm a whore for writing so please drop me a rq or you can ask me about my fics(this one or others)! Doesn't have to be this fandom, I'm in a bunch(not sfw exclusive)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue heavy but (shrug)

  Evan checks the time again. What if he’s not coming? Evan wouldn’t blame him, but he did agree to come over tonight and it’s already been a half hour since his mother left for work. Hw should try to text him, but if he’s driving then he might answer the text and crash his truck and it would be Evan’s fault that he died in a fiery explosion. The doorbell rings, door clicking open before Evan can get it himself. 

    “Hey bitch.” he comes in straight past Evan, stretching both arms over his head until his joints crack. Fashionably late, as usual. He shouldn’t worry so much. 

    “Hey Jared.” he plops his bag onto the ground and makes himself at home, like it was any other day and Wednesday hadn’t happened at all. Evan didn’t text him or say anything at all to his friend until yesterday well after midnight, but Jared had been up like he always is. He sits on the opposite side of the couch as the ginger, perched on the edge of the cushion as he looks over at his friend. They stay like that for a moment, maybe two. 

    “Alright.” Jared throws his hands into the air, sighing heavily at Evan. 

    “I can’t take this. Anything is better than sitting at home but you can’t just sit there and stare at me like a creep. I know I’m pretty, Ev, but you’re off the market.” is he just brushing it off? Sure, they’ve been friends since forever but Jared is always at least dramatic about stuff like this. 

    “Bad at home?” Evan ventures a guess, immediately feeling bad when Jared flinches away from his question. 

    “When was it good?” he snorts, unzipping his bag and digging through it.

    “You and Murphy?” Evan bites his lip. Jared finds a small, half full bag of gummy snacks in his backpack, kicking it back to the side now that he’s got the goods.

    “That bad?”

    “I-I don’t know. He’s…” 

    “Obsessed with you?” he pops open the bag, candies filling the air with their sickly sweet scent. He offers the bag up to Evan, who reaches in and pops one of the gummy blobs into his mouth. 

    “I don’t think he’s  _ ob-obsessed _ with me Jared, he just.. A-acts weird. I dunno.”

    “Weird like he wants to jump you? Cuz I don’t blame the guy.” Evan hits him.

    “Jared, that coffee table is more sex-sexual than I am.” he snorts. 

    “Yeah, sure. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy axed you cuz you didn’t say ‘I love you too’.”

    “Jesus! He wouldn’t do that, Jared.”

    “Mhm, sure he won’t. As long as you’re a good little boyfriend and let him at your dick. Well, what you’ve got of one.” Evan smacks Jared, a grin splitting across his face even as he’s hitting his friend for that one. 

    “I have more than you.”

    “Oh, fuck off!” that one must still be a sensitive subject. Evan doesn’t blame him, but if he can have fun with it it won’t bother him as much. Evan clicks over to channel 72 and lets it drop. 

    “Okay, okay! You don’t have to beg, Ev. Just show me yours too.” he blinks blankly at Jared. How did that..

    “Jared I don’t re-really want-” “C’mon Ev this thing was expensive. I want  _ someone _ to appreciate it before I die.”

    “I’m, I’m sure you’ll find a boy who wants to see your ex-expensive dick. Who  _ isn’t  _ me. Y-you’re not going to die that soon.”

    “I could get shot tomorrow!”

    “Y-yeah and we could get rammed by a meteor next week. Ther-there’s a lot of ‘could’s, that doesn’t mean they  _ will _ .” that was more poetic than he intended it to be. He’s been spending too much time with Connor, his existentialism is rubbing off on Evan. Among other things. Jared thinks about that, eyes fixing on the tv in front of them and eventually zoning into the couple trying to find a house rather than the impending death of the universe. They argue about which house they’ll pick, but the fuckers pick arguably the worst one they were shown instead of either of their other options that were obviously way better. 

    “Jared?” the ginger doesn’t look away from the boys on screen, but he sort of nods so Evan figures he’s listening. 

    “You’re not mad at me?”

    “What for?” that wasn’t a dream or something, was it? Evan remembers it so clearly, it couldn’t just be-

    “You did worse to me when we were kids, that was nothing. Yeah I was pretty pissed at the time, but it’s hard not to be when you just got your face punched in.” huh. Evan underestimated how much Jared actually likes him. Hell, he was sure that the guy was only ‘friends’ with him because he had to be; either because of his mom or to get away from his mom. The blonde relaxes, feeling more at ease now that he knows Jared isn’t still mad. He swings both arms up over his head, stretching back against the couch. 

    “Jeez, what happened to you?” he flinches forward but Jared is already looking at him, holding up the hem of his shirt so Evan can’t push it back down. 

    “Oh, I uh, fell.”

    “Into a rockslide?” Jared folds up his shirt and pokes the expanse of black and blue, making Evan wince. He’s not even looking at the worst part, the blob of bruising ending there around his side but beginning with most of his back. 

    “W-uh, I fell more than once?”he gives Evan a look.

    “He didn’t mean to or anything.” the blonde takes his shirt and shoves it back down. It’s not even that bad, bruises always look way worse than they actually are. They’ll be gone in a week anyways.

    “Okay, then tell me about it.”

    “It’s embarrassing..” Jared crosses both arms over his chest.

    “Well, funny story,” Evan thinks about it, “um, well, we were out. In, uh, the forest. And Connor kissed me, and he uh got excited about it? So, so he pushed me. Up against a tree. But he just pushed kinda hard? So I bruised a little bit.”

    “That’s pretty hard Ev, didn’t you tell him it hurt?”

    “Well. No. I was, busy.”

    “Busy letting him tongue fuck you.”

    “Yes,” Jared squints at him. That is what happened to his back, Evan didn’t make it up on the fly or anything. It’s not that bad. 

    “What about your side then?” Evan laughs nervously. 

    “Another funny story. Be-because, uh, I was hanging out with Connor and I said-said something stupid. So he just uh, shoved me a little y’know? And I fell. On the ground.” yeah. That sounds okay. That’s not bad. Connor told him not to let anyone see those.. Jared is quiet. He decides not to say anything to Evan, turning his attention back to the tv. Did he say something wrong? That’s mostly what happened. They sit in silence, Evan’s inhale a beat off from his exhale but he’s totally fine. He nearly falls off the couch when the doorbell rings, jumping more than out of his skin. 

    “..I got it. You just take a deep breath or something dude.” Jared gets up to answer the door, leaving Evan by himself. Okay. He does take a deep breath, leaning back into the couch and closing his eyes. Way to overreact about everything, Hansen. His silence is interrupted by the raising of voices in the other room. Can’t he have a panic attack in peace in his own house?

    “Evan!” he flinches, the snap of his name familiar. Didn’t he say he was busy tonight? What’s he doing here? To get up or to pretend he didn’t hear that. He hears his name again, Oh, well. Evan gets up and peeks around the corner, pulling back before either of his friends see him; though they’re a little busy yelling at each other. 

    “-my best friend!” 

    “Is that what he told you? I-” he catches sight of Evan in the corner of his eye, words catching in his throat. 

    “Evan,” Connor reaches out and takes him by the wrist, “come here for a second?” second he smiles too widely at him, pulling him outside and letting the door thud shut. He says nothing, tugging the blonde down the steps and around the side of the house. 

    “What is he doing here?” he gestures back at the house where they left Jared.

    “I told you I was busy tonight.” 

    “Busy doing what, Evan?” he raises his voice, an accusation in his words that's crystal clear. 

    “Connor he’s my friend, what do you think I'm doing?” Connor gives him a look, and Evan knows very well what the other boy thought he was doing with Jared. What he doesn’t understand is why.  

    “You didn’t tell me you would be with him.”

    “Why would I have to? Don’t you trust me?” Evan didn’t mean to raise his voice, but here he is yelling at Connor. Like an asshole. 

    “Don’t yell at me, I didn’t  _ do _ anything wrong! If you aren’t keeping secrets it shouldn’t be a problem to tell me shit when I ask!” Connor shouts, hand snapping out from his hair and across Evan’s face. The smack of skin on skin echos out into the trees around them. Silence follows. 

    “I have to go. I’m coming back tomorrow.” he turns on his heel and gets back into his truck, and drives off down the drive without looking back at Evan. The blonde stands for a few moments, cheek cradled in his hand as he stares out at the dark. Connor is a little rough and pushes him around, but that  _ sound.  _ He’s dumbstruck. He gathers himself up and shakes it off. That’s just the way he is, he was just… Evan should’ve told him what he was doing, it was his bad. He heads back up to the house, opening the door to Jared’s worried face.

    “Hey.” the ginger gives him a small smile, pulling Evan through the door and into his arms.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1691
> 
> Hey! I have a tumblr and I take fic requests! My url is galactiktwink and I'm a whore for writing so please drop me a rq or you can ask me about my fics(this one or others)! Doesn't have to be this fandom, I'm in a bunch(not sfw exclusive)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter is pretty much only sex, so if you'd rather not take part in that skip to the bottom and i'll include any important plot points you missed.

  Evan laughs, sliding his hands over Connor’s shoulders as the brunette marks his place on the blonde’s throat. He pulls Evan around and lays him down, reconnecting their lips and pressing his boyfriend into the blankets beneath him. He bites Evan’s bottom lip, smiling brightly at his boyfriend. 

    “Connor!” he swats playfully at the brunette, hands both caught at the wrist and pinned above his head so his boyfriend can go on kissing him without interruption. He pauses to breathe, hair untucking from behind his ear and falling around them in a thick black curtain. 

    “You’re so pretty.” he smiles, turning his wrists in Connor’s grasp for the chance to reach out and touch the brunette. He obliges, Evan’s fingers combing through his gently curling hair. It’s soft, his fingers sliding easily through the well kept locks and giving too much temptation to not tug ever so slightly. Connor bites his lip. Evan pulls again, harder this time, watching the other boy’s eyelashes flicker and colour flush across his face. 

    “You’re teasing me, Hanson.” he drops his hand, looking away from Connor as much as he can while their faces are inches apart. 

    “Hey, Evan. Question.” he kisses the blonde before he can say anything back, lips dragging across the other boy’s before going back in for another.

    “Ask away.”

    “Are you a virgin?” Evan blinks. Not what he was expecting from Connor. 

    “No.” the brunette pulls away from him, sitting up on the bed and looking at his boyfriend scrutinisingly.  Evan could laugh. This stuff never meant a lot to him, and it certainly shouldn’t mean anything to Connor of all people. 

    “What? Are you going to try and tell me that you are?” he snorts, pulling up to sit as well. Connor frowns, thinking about that. Evan knows that he’s slept with a pretty big chunk of the upperclassmen boys, and that doesn’t bother him. What can you really do about what people want to do with their lives or their bodies?

    “Of course I’m not, but I expected better from you, Hanson. Who was it?”

    “You-you can’t just ask me that! I don’t go around asking p-people how many pegs they have on their belt! I never asked you!” 

    “Well I’m asking you. Who was it?”

    “L-listen it was a long time ago okay?” Connor takes Evan by the shoulders, holding him tightly and keeping him from squirming so he can look the blonde in the eyes. 

    “Who was it.”

    “Jared- but, but we were different people! He-He was a different person, we both were.” Connor pushes Evan against the bed face down and pushing, weight settling over the blonde and teeth biting harshly at his neck. 

    “C-conner, hey!” a sold hand slides up under the hem of Evan’s shirt making him squirm up from under him. The brunette lets him get up, both arms wrapped around himself. 

    “What is it, Hanson? Is it me?” Evan bites his lip. 

    “I can’t.” Connor suppresses the urge to sigh out of frustration. 

    “Is it your scars? Do you have something? Look whatever it is I don’t care. I just want you so fucking bad, I’m going insane.” he reaches out and takes Evan’s hand, pulling it closer to kiss his knuckles. He swallows. 

    “Please.” his brown eyes are so wide and sincere, how could he not? He takes back his hand, taking a deep breath and turning away from Connor completely before tugging up on the hem of his shirt; pulling it up over his head. As the fabric comes away, a strip of just barely the wrong colour is left around his chest. He takes another deep breath and closes his eyes before he’s brave enough to turn and let his boyfriend look at him. Silence. This, this is what he didn’t want. He opens his eyes, already looking down and for his shirt so he doesn’t have to look Connor in the eye- a hand catches his before he can pick up his clothes, another lifting his chin to gently force eye contact. His chocolate brown eyes are still just as wide and just as sincere. Evan bites his lip. 

    “Hey.” Connor swipes his fingers over Evan’s face, wiping away tears he didn't feel start to fall. 

    “Hey, c’mere, it’s okay.” he wraps both arms around the blonde, tucking his face into his shoulder and tracing his nails across his back. They sit there like that until Evan pulls away, smiling sweetly at Connor. 

    “Thanks.” the brunette grins back at him, sliding his hands in from Evan’s back to trace along his sides and stomach, then across the stretched fabric of his binder. 

    “I didn’t know you had freckles.” he laughs, connecting the dots of colour on Evan’s shoulders and leaning forward to kiss them. He covers the blonde’s shoulders and collarbones before venturing back up to Evan’s lips, cupping his face in his hands. 

    “So.” Connor pulls at the front of the other boy’s shorts, tucking two fingers into the waistline. 

    “I-I dunno..” he frowns, looking down at Connor’s hand in his lap.

    “It’s fine, I promise.” he pulls Evan free of his shorts without any more thought to it, taking a second to figure out the harness attached to his boxers and his packer to get those out of his way too. 

    “Which way d’you want me to go in?” Evan blinks at him.

    “Uh, I, uh, don’t know?” Connor laughs at him, taking the other boy by the arm and directing him to lie back. He starts at the hem of his boyfriend’s binder and follows the happy trail down to the cluster of coarse, blonde hair. Neatly trimmed but not shaved, and just enough for Connor to run his fingers through. 

    “What, uh, are you doing?” he rolls his eyes, pushing Evan’s legs up and apart to get at his thighs but not lingering there and nestling down onto his elbows and slides his index finger between Evan’s lips and past. He gets a soft squish as he wiggles one finger in past the tight muscle, curling it at the knuckle and pushing out just so to fit in another. Evan makes a noise, squirming and moving his hands around like he doesn’t know where to put them. Connor looks up at him but the blonde is pointedly looking anywhere but back at him. He’s a little drier than Connor would normally work with but he turns his wrist and spreads his fingers apart anyway, moving carefully until he hears that first little gasp from his boyfriend. He finds that again with both fingers, Evan’s hips twitching up along with him. He can hear the other boy breathing now, cute little gasping breaths that just melt his heart. Connor spreads him open as much as he can, using his free hand to help out in worming his tongue in too, easing out his fingers to free up the space to lick along his inner walls; making an obscene noise getting in as far as possible to find..

    “C-Connor..” Evan all but whimpers his name, hands hesitantly finding their place in his hair and squirming as he tries not to move around too much. Connor finds what he was looking for, the other boy’s hips canting up to meet him with a symphony of mewling moans filling the air and ever so slightly sweet spunk flooding into Connor’s mouth and onto his face. He pulls back, a string connecting himself to Evan when he sits up which Connor promptly breaks as he licks his lips. Evan’s face is red, baby blue’s wide and a little glazed over but he has a smile on his face. 

    “God, you’re cute.” Connor breathes, looking down and tugging up a little on his shirt. 

    “You want me to?” Evan nods vigorously. 

    “God yes. I-I mean, sure.” he laughs, peeling off his clothes in what feels like a sexy way but probably actually in a weird way.

    “Can I kiss you after that?” Evan crinkles his nose. Connor goes for his neck instead, kissing and nipping down to the juncture to his shoulder where Evan ‘s binder gets in his way. 

    “Can I take this off?” he dips his fingers under the hem, sliding across the damp skin just at the bottom. 

    “No.” he skims up along the hot skin for a moment longer, dragging against it on his way to pull his hand out to simply push the strap of thick fabric out of his way to pepper the freckled skin it was hiding with kisses. Connor braces a hand on Evan’s hip, shifting his own to finally glide the head of his cock against his boyfriend; still-hot spunk greeting his already fevered skin and making him shudder

    “God-” the brunette lets out a shuddering breath, head dipping down towards his chest.

    “O-okay I’m gonna go slow. Tell me if-it hurts.” Evan nods once, biting his lip and worrying it between his teeth while Connor lines up and eases in; gently prodding his head into the warm wetness that is his boyfriend. His hips twitch, shoving straight in without meaning to and making Evan hiss. But, the hard part is out of the way now and Connor eases the rest of his length in, holding there. He digs his teeth into the inside of his cheek, taking a full deep breath in attempt to calm his own shaking.

    “Okay? Okay.” the brunette whispers to himself under his breath, nodding along with his own words before looking to Evan for a second go ahead. His eyelashes are drawn down over his eyes, giving Connor all he needs to lift his hips and push; skin hitting skin in a wet smack as he picks up a slow rhythm.

    “Connor,” the blonde mumbles, pawing at his boyfriend’s shoulders to hold onto his attention, “Connor,” he repeats, louder when he was too in the moment to catch it. 

    “God, Connor, go faster.” his head rolls back, eyes squeezing shut as the brunette obliges and picks up the pace for him; shifting his position and pulling one of Evan’s legs up over his shoulder. Gone are the cute gasps from Evan, replaced sharp moans and fragments of syllables. His nails dig into Connor’s shoulders and rake down his back, his own arching up off the bed. The brunette falls out of pattern, swinging Evan’s other leg up for more space to slam into his boyfriend. 

    “Ev-Evan..!” the blonde beats him, gasping out Connor’s name as his insides squeeze around the other boy’s cock, giving him that extra push. He pushes into Evan, sheathing inside him before squirting; his entire body shuddering, head tilting up as his climax rocks through him. He takes a deep breath, coming down before moving to pull out of his boyfriend and collapse overtop of him. He presses a kiss to Evan’s chest, hugging both arms around the smaller boy. 

    “Evan.. you’re mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/1824
> 
> Yeahh, I'm woeking on my smut writing but I know I'm probably not there yet. Constructive critisism is always appriciated if anything is glaringly awful.
> 
> And, for anyone that skipped the smut: Connor asked if Ev was a virgin(he's not) and demanded an answer then convinced/swayed him into having sex with him. Evan is ftm and that's about all that really happened outside of the having sex part.
> 
> Hey! I have a tumblr and I take fic requests! My url is galactiktwink and I'm a whore for writing so please drop me a rq or you can ask me about my fics(this one or others)! Doesn't have to be this fandom, I'm in a bunch(not sfw exclusive)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this chapter gets pretty heavy towards the end, so be careful

Evan.

He glances down at his phone, but he’s driving and shouldn’t pick it up if it’s not an emergency. Evan makes his order at the window and pulls around, taking his coffee from the tired looking Starbucks employee who probably hates their life. His phone pings again, but he cares about road safety damn it. His phone rings. Evan sighs. 

    “Good morning.” it’s been two weeks since the first time he and Connor, Well, y’know and since then they’ve had sex another.. How many days is in two weeks? A few more than that. In other words, Evan things things are going pretty well. Connor is a rough and tumble guy, and Evan is usually speckled with hickies and bruises alike but he doesn’t mind.

    “Where are you?”

    “Leaving Starbucks. Did you want something?” he switches Connor to speaker and gets both his hands back on the wheel to drive. 

    “You haven’t been to school yet? Have you talked to anyone?”

    “...No. Why?” he didn’t hear about anything special happening today, or evan any fights. 

    “Go straight home after school, I need to talk to you.” what.. Connor hangs up on him before he can ask, making Evan bite his lip. That’s probably not a good sign, but it could be something good right? Like.. well he can’t think of anything good it would be right now, but there’s some silver lining here that he’s not seeing. He rolls up at school and takes a spot, grabbing his bag and his coffee to face the school day. Without Connor apparently, so at least he won’t get shoved into any lockers today. Not that he minds, people just stare sometimes. 

    “God, you’re such a white bitch.” Jared slides off the railing to hold open the door for Evan, but not without grabbing a sip of his frappuccino. 

    “You kn-know I am.” he laughs, swatting his friend to defend his coffee. Never trust a ginger, Princess Zelda taught him that. They take the halls, chatting casually about the horrifying surplus of Stony mpreg fanfiction and what it could mean for society. 

    "I just think that when the generations hand off and millennial's really start making a difference in the science community, we should worry about them making mpreg a sick, sick reality.” Jared closes his locker dramatically, looking to Evan for support on his fears. Which, to be honest, are very real and justified. Mpreg is a harsh reality, but might help with overpopulation with the sheer amount of men that would rather die than give birth. 

    “I-I dunno Jared. How would the baby even come out?” he scrunches up his nose, not really wanting to think about this so much on a real world scale. He’s seen all of this shirt when he was looking for actually good Stony fanfic but Evan’s never read one himself.

    “I’ll send you some links later.” the ginger pats him on the back. That’s.. No. He was about to tell Jared that that’s absolutely not what he wants but he’s interrupted by a complete stranger grabbing his arm, pulling him to the side to look at her.

    “Hey Evan, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Okay?” she looks like she was going to go in for a hug, but Evan looked to sketched out to touch him any more and she scampers off; rejoining her friends, all of whom are also looking sadly at him. 

    “What did you do?” he looks to Jared, raising a brow at his friend who looks equally as confused. Huh. But it had to have been him, Evan doesn’t talk to anyone else. 

    “Nothing! I don’t even know her.” he throws his hands in the air, ushering the blonde off towards his own locker and away from that mess. The school repainted his locker, the blue now uninterrupted by permanent marker. He swings the door open, kneeling down to fill up his bag while Jared snoops and looks at the photos stuck to the inside. The one of them together is still there, now surrounded by sappy pictures of Evan and Connor. Holding hands, kissing, laying in bed together. They’re mostly selfies, all the good pictures Evan has are only Connor. 

    “Does he at least make you happy, Ev?” he looks up, surprised. 

    “Of course he does.”

    “No, really.” Jared takes a knee beside his friend, resting a hand lightly on his shoulder. 

    “He isn’t here. You don’t have to say that for him if you don’t mean it.”

    “Yeah, well I mean it. What’s up with you Jared?” Evan squints at him, standing up and swinging his bag around his shoulder. The ginger frowns at him, picking himself up and walking with Evan. More people are giving him that look, just like that girl who stopped him in the hall earlier, but they leave him alone so Evan doesn’t want to worry about it. Until lunch, which puts him standing outside the bathroom waiting for Jared. 

    “Hey, Evan.” his heart stops. Zoe Murphy stops in front of him, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. 

    “How are you?” her voice is so small and soft, something Evan used to trip over himself for that’s.. Lost its charm. It’s so high pitched, compared to the low sultry whisper of her brother. 

    “I-I’m okay. Why, uh, do you ask?”

    “It’s okay, I heard. I’m so sorry. I know my brother is.. Well, he’s always been like that.” she pats his shoulder, smiling softly at him. He can’t deal with this right now. Evan darts into the bathroom behind him without saying anything to Zoe, running straight into Jared on his way out. He pushes his friend back in, dragging the ginger into the end stall and closing the door. 

    “Okay. What did you do?”

    “What- C’mon Ev that was a solid deal!” he blinks. 

    “No, not your drug deal. What did you say about me? Zoe Murphy just stopped to apologise about Connor. “ Jared winces, glancing around for an escape that isn’t there. Evan crosses his arms over his chest. 

    “Okay, here. But, I fuckin’ swear I only sent this to  _ one  _ person.” he digs out his cell phone and turns it towards the blonde so he can read from his text messages. He was voicing some concerns about Evan and.. He finds a screenshot from his own conversation with Jared. He looks up, but his friend isn’t looking at him. 

    “ _ Dear Evan Hanson _ ,” he reads aloud, “ _ I had sex with Connor today. I don’t know if I was ready, but he wanted to so I let him and he made me feel special. I think he loves me. He told me that I’m his and he’s really protective, but he hits me sometimes when I deserve it. I think I might love him too, but it’s so fast. I still don’t know if I’m ready for all this, but Connor wants me to be so I guess I’ll keep pushing through. Maybe if I keep doing what he wants I won’t be covered in bruises all the time. _ ” he swallows. Of course he remembers sending that to Jared, in confidence. Not for sending to whoever he wants!

    “Jared I-” “I didn’t know he’d tell people! I was already telling him that I was worried about you when you sent that, and I thought he wouldn’t say anything about it. I was just talking to someone and I guess he told a shit ton of people that Connor is abusing you and, and Evan he isn’t wrong.” he doesn’t know what to say. He can tell that Jared is being sincere but that’s just- not how Evan feels about the whole thing. He opens the bathroom stall and takes a step back, to get away from Jared and to take a better deep breath than he would in that small space. 

    “I-I.. Jared I know you didn’t mean it but.. I didn’t need this. I’m fine. Con-he isn’t going to hurt me.” Connor promised he wouldn’t hurt him and Evan won’t forget that. Anything he’s doing has to be for his own good because he wouldn’t just hurt him.

    “I’m sorry.” Jared takes a step closer and jerks up his arms, but decides not to go in for the hug he wanted.

    “It’s okay- I’m, I’m not mad. But I need to go. H-home.”

    “I’ll text you.”

* * *

Evan runs his fingers through his still damp hair, letting out a deep breath. After a shower and watching some porn he’s feeling better and more like himself. It’s almost time for school to let out, and he already told Connor that he came home early so he should be in sometime soon. Evan still isn’t dressed, but Connor has a key.

Are you at home?

Speak of the devil.

I’m in my room. Use your key, I’m not dressed.

He hears the front door creak open, followed closely by Connor’s heavy boots thudding up the stairs. Evan strikes a pose as his boyfriend enters the room, throwing his shoulders back and legs open even with his towel still wrapped loosely around his hips. 

    “Hello, Sweetie.” the brunette chuckles, leaving the door open behind him to lean in for a kiss. The bed dips to compensate his weight, hand skimming up Evan’s body to cup his face. The blonde plants a hand on Connor’s chest and pushes, swinging one of his legs over and sitting across the other boy’s lap. 

    “Waiting for me?” he nips at Evan’s earlobe, pulling the skin with his teeth but breaking the would be sexy moment to laugh. 

    “What happened to my blushing little boy? Have I ruined you already?” his head falls to the blonde’s shoulder, breath hitting his bare skin as they relax against each other. 

    “Aren’t I mad at you?” Connor doesn’t move, fingers still tracing patterns on Evan’s hip. So, maybe he isn’t too mad.

    “Are you?” he feigns innocence, pressing a soft kiss just below his boyfriend’s ear to help his attempt at making him forget that he was upset. 

    “I am.” he pulls away, hands still frm at the blonde’s waist; pale fingers splayed over the dark bruises there. 

    “What the fuck have you been telling people about me?” and there it is, what Evan has been dreading all day. What can he even say that can make it better?

    “I didn't tell  _ people _ anything. I said one thing to one person and then it got out there.” Connor considers that, a frown dipping down the corners of his mouth as he looks at his boyfriend. 

    “Get dressed. And tell me what you said.” he pushes Evan from the centre of the chest, watching him pick up his clothes and pull them over his now dry skin. He takes a seat beside Connor and looks down at his hands, thinking of how to say this in a way that’s at least kind of nice.

    “Well, I shared one of my letters with someone.” Connor groans. 

    “Your damn letters, why do you need them? Stop writing those fucking things.” Evan bites his lip, deciding to say nothing rather than argue with Connor about it. He has years of letters written to himself. 

    “What did your letter say?”

    “W-well, it, it was the one I wrote af-after we had sex. The firs-st time. And I said that I wasn’t sure if-if I was ready. And uh, some other stuff.” he twists his fingers together, getting up to walk around and fuss with things to be at least less nervous. 

    “ ‘Other stuff’? Other stuff. Evan I walked out of my bedroom today and my sister accused me of beating you! What the fuck ‘other stuff’ did you say for her to think that!” he grabs Evan by the sleeve and pulls him around, taking him by the chin and forcing the blonde to look at him. 

    “Do you think I abuse you?”

    “No! No, I don’t-you don’t! I don’t know why he-” Connor pushes him to the side, running his fingers through his long hair. 

    “He? Didn’t I tell you to stop talking to Jared? When I tell you to do something I expect you to do it! Do you understand me? Look at me when I’m talking to you damn it!” Evan takes another step with his back to Connor, hand on the doorknob to close the door. It’s midday but he doesn’t want the whole neighbourhood to hear them fighting. 

    “Hey-” both of Connor’s hands make contact with the smaller boy’s back, shoving him forward into the heavy wooden door and pulling him around to look at his boyfriend. 

    “Did you hear me? I want you to pay attention when I’m speaking to you!” Evan’s entire body moves with the hand that swipes across his face. 

    “I’m sorry.”

    “Oh, you’re sorry. Well, Evan, that isn’t going to fix anything is it? I can never go back there. And it’s your fault, if you could just be happy for once! If you could just see how much i’m doing for you!” Evan’s shoulder clips the head of the railing, Connor’s hand planted in the middle of his chest preventing him from grabbing onto the railing in time and sending him thudding down the staircase; landing soundly on the floor. Tears blur his vision, Connor’s heavy footfalls following him and stepping over him to keep going. 

    “Look what you did Evan, this is all your fault.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/2244
> 
> Hey! I have a tumblr and I take fic requests! My url is galactiktwink and I'm a whore for writing so please drop me a rq or you can ask me about my fics(this one or others)! Doesn't have to be this fandom, I'm in a bunch(not sfw exclusive)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finished on 6/1/18

Connor pushes open the office door, ready for his talk or even an expulsion with what’s been going around about him, but instead of the principal or even his AP the only person waiting for him is Evan's mother.    
    "Heidi? What's going on? Where's Evan?" she covers her mouth with her hand, unable to look Connor in the eye. She reaches into her jacket pocket for a folded up piece of paper, holding it out to him.   
    "He wrote this for you, Connor." he takes it, looking down at the pristine white square.    
    "I don't understand, what happened? Where is he?" Heidi shudders out a sob, taking a crumpled tissue from her pocket and dabbing at her face with it.    
    "Please Connor, just read it." 

  
_ Dear Connor Murphy, _ __  
_ Today wasn't an amazing day. it's not going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year, or an amazing life. And sure, there's you and all my hope is pinned on you who I barely even know and who doesn't even really know me. I thought you did. I thought what we had was special, I wish I was special. I wish I deserved a good boyfriend. I wish I was good enough for you to love. I wish I wasn't so fucked up and broken. I wish I didn't know that I deserved it. That it was my fault. I'm sorry I messed it up. I'm sorry that I'm messed up. Please don't blame yourself. Please keep on living for me. You have your whole beautiful life ahead of you, and you are so much more that a statistic. So much more than me. Please find someone that deserves how amazing you are. Please find yourself and forget about me. _ __  
_ Sincerely, love you dearly,  _ _  
_ __ Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wc/295 , short and bittersweet
> 
> I really hope that you guys enjoyed reading my fic! Personally this is one I'm most proud of out of.. everything I've done really. Thanks to you guys who hung around until the end, even if you're mad at me for what I did with said end. This last chapter is actually what I wrote first (3/12) and I stuck with it as my ending so no, it wasn't a cop out. But hey, I know this is all in the name of fiction and maybe fun but please don't kill yourself. You matter, no matter what.
> 
> Thanks for reading


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